FUNNISTEIN

The Dhaba

2012-01-08T09:39:00.000-08:00

It’s my favourite place in Mumbai, located on a lonely road in a busy neighbourhood. It’s not classy, it can never be but then it’s easy on a student’s pocket. Not for the drinks or dance this time, I had to meet an old friend from Delhi. Keeping up with our tradition, I arrived half an hour late only to have my cell beep, a message saying “will be there in 10 mins”. She won this time.

Making myself comfortable I glanced around to see the crowd tonight, the usual families bored of eating at home, dine out in order to fulfil the terms set by our society of being cool. A see a couple sitting two tables on the left, they are engaged, she has a big fat ring. They appear to be bored of each other, busy texting, for the sake of sanity I hope it’s not to one another. Right in the dead centre of the place is a family dining. Parents and two kids, both of whom seem to be below 10. The parents can’t keep their hand of each other. He’s teasing her and she’s acting like she doesn’t like it one bit. Embarrassed from their parent’s affection, the kids have immersed themselves in their soup acting as if they are unaware of their parent’s actions.

My view on love and what it’s supposed to be has changed from time to time. Initially it was defined by Bollywood then along came Hollywood, puberty, parents fighting, peer viewpoint, cousins viewpoint, teachers viewpoint, again Hollywood, people finding love, getting hurt in love, breaking up, cheating and then my own failures. Amongst all this I believe love has lost.

I have turned critical of love as till date I haven’t met a couple who has been happy for more than 2 years without one of them cheating or both of them. Most of them don’t have the guts to accept that they are unhappy and move on. Sometimes the current structure of our society makes me wonder if cheating is bad? I am not saying that I support it but come to think of it, you are uncertain of choices you have made. The word uncertain here defines the fact that you are not certain whether you are with the right person and it also defines that you are not certain whether you are with the wrong person.

But in this process where you were once certain and now uncertain you have developed an emotional bond, as lovers like to say it, it’s more like a dependency and then there’s the “opportunity”, the opportunity to be with that someone else. Every scared human takes it, I say so because any other person would end his uncertainty first.

Advancement in technologies, the rat race, and the possibility of infidelity has made life tough for us. Does love exist? Or is it a mere understanding? Please don’t tell that understanding one is love, yes it is but no it isn’t, love is much more than that and beyond. One of my friends says that she can never find love, for her it doesn’t exist. She might be the smartest person on the planet.

But I am an optimist, I believe it does exist. My latest definition is- love is when you are willing to be irrational by your own standards. My cells beeps again, it says 2 mins. I know the drill, she won’t be here for another 30 mins.

The Darker Sex

2011-10-01T07:07:00.000-07:00

There are numerous publications, hypothesis and theories trying to explain the behavior of fairer sex but the truth is that the fairer sex doesn’t even understand itself, how will we?

So I decided to do them a favour and explain how we men act. I was surprised to find many wrong notions and believes about us, some of which I have already used for my own benefits (those kinds!!!).

Here are some of those believes-

1) Nice Guy: Girls define nice guys as those guys who are interested in their emotions and not their curves. Rubbish. Nice guys are those guys who make you believe they care more for your emotions; actually they are the smart ones. Let me try to redefine nice guys- those guys who can act all their lives that they care about your emotions.

2) “My boyfriend doesn’t look at other girls”- If that’s true, then he’s not a guy. Seriously. Leave him. It’s innate nature of every man to look at every girl. God made us this way, we simply have to appreciate beauty, after all its Gods work.

3)Committed guy: To a football club- Yes.
To cricket- Yes.
To one girl- No.

Most guys will score on the first opportunity they get, if they don’t, they probably weren't carrying protection. There are guys who don’t use the opportunity when its presents itself, primarily because we believe you are hotter than the ‘opportunity’. Yes, we do have morals; we score from only the hotter ones.

4) “I am the first and only girl in his life”- First you might be but not the ‘only’ for sure. If he has made you believe that then he’s my hero. We strive very hard to make girls believe in such things, it’s easy to get those ‘benefits’ then.

5)Most girls believe that their guys are decent, they tried to be friends first and then boyfriends. Crap. All that a guy does till the time you become his official girlfriend is to make you his official girlfriend, whether it’s helping you get over your ex or throw a surprise b’day party for you or for that matter ignore you. It’s all part of the big plan. Always remember the guy makes the first move long before you thought he made the first move.

More to come soon. Very soon.

SOUL MATES

2011-05-31T11:29:00.000-07:00

I am a self proclaimed storyteller; I have always put forward my point of view through a through a well structured sequence of events. I am well aware of the fact that all my stories are woven around the pre sexual interaction between a guy and a girl but there’s a message within them. If you have read my previous post and never tumbled upon the message or you dint relate to my message, I suggest you move on to another blog for in this post, I will express my opinions without the creativeness.

I like to observe people, which obviously includes staring at girls but I am keener in the behavior of mankind especially when it comes to romantic alliances. It’s astounding how everybody has a theory about love and perfect relationship when they have never ever experienced one. It’s shocking when people believe that the first person they date is their soul mate, and all those who are reading this and have been in a relationship will shake their head but deep down you know it’s true. When you first held her hand, or when she put her head on your shoulder or when your elbow touched her bosoms, you must have felt that this is it, this is the girl I am going to live my entire life with.

Autumn does come after spring, likewise the burst of feelings that we have in the beginning of a courtship does end. Her hands become too cold or her head is too heavy for your shoulder or her bosoms are too small for your elbow. Relationships strain and people tend to move apart, more drastically than any outsider could guess who had witnessed the early spring days. Some will stretch the relationship even when the person no longer makes them happy; others will break up thinking they had mistaken their partner for a soul mate. But only the wise realize that soul mates is an Indian fairytale told by our ancestors to sell arrange marriages and keep their importance intact in our lives.

Love does not happen at first sight, it requires hard work, sacrifice, patience and above all- lust. We tend to be happy with one person because that one person surround us, comforts us all the time; we don’t think or need anybody else. These days, however with the globalization and the urge for big fat paychecks, people in a relationship drift apart. And as that happens, they get comforted by a “close” friend and all the confusion creeps in. To be honest, there is no confusion at all, its simply human nature to be fond of something that we see everyday. We confuse it with words like “love” or phrases like “more than friends”, the times that we live in require us to live in the moment.

I guess all one can do is be honest with yourself. Realize that you can fall in love even when you are in love with someone, accept that people change, situation changes and eventually everyone has to move on. I have been in “love” and now I don’t even talk to her for months yet she and I are happy. I never imagined that this day will come but it has, I look around me and realize that there are so many couples who are working hard to make their dysfunctional tight rope relationship work and they still think they are soul mates. There are people who remain single looking for their soul mates, have a set of criteria for choosing their soul mate. The worst part being, they think they are the smartest.

PS: I don’t claim to know everything about relationships or love, as I said earlier I am a keen observer, I have learned a lot from my experiences, both successful and failed ones. But I also realize that in due time I will learn more, for I need to express more.

Thats Life

2011-02-20T07:42:00.000-08:00

My father was recently admitted in a hospital, he had some chest pains, turned out to be nothing, he wanted some attention. He was in the ICU for one night and being a dutiful son, I slept that night in the hospital itself. I took one of the white bed sheets found abundantly in a hospital and slept on the first comfortable three yard space that I could find.

That three yard space was an empty stretcher lying unclaimed in the lobby. Two ward boys were chatting in the near by general ward about how much work they got etc. Listening to their woes, I pondered how every working person has the same complaints irrespective of his/her work. I went into deep sleep with this thought in my head.

The two ward guys came out, exasperated from their 13 hour shift

First Guy: Today was hell!!
Second Guy: At least today was better than last Saturday.
First Guy: Every day is better than last Saturday, why are you always looking at the positives, cant you once crib like me??
Second Guy: Why are you always cribbing, can’t you see the positives like me?
First Guy: Haha, you are so smart!!
Second Guy: I know.
First Guy: Tell me this then how come you are a ward boy?
Second Guy: (silence)
First Guy: All the smartness vanished huh??
Second Guy: I am here so that I can enlighten you. (Grins) What is this dead body doing here? (Pointing towards a stretcher)
First Guy: (Looks at the body) Oh no!! Dr Luthra asked me to move this body 2 hours ago and I was so stuck up in work that I forgot. Or did I?
Second Guy: What?
First Guy: I just feel like I took some body to the mortuary but was it today or yesterday…
Second Guy: Are you always this stressed?
First Guy: Well when you have a 35 year old wife who is 10 years too early in her menopause, 2 kids, both of them having failed twice before they reached their 8th Grade and a dead body in a lobby which you were supposed to take care of two hours ago and a friend who find every opportunity to lecture you, you will be as stressed as I am.
Second Guy: (Laughs hard)
First Guy: What are you laughing about?
Second Guy: Relax, we will just take the body down right now and nobody will know. Ok?
First Guy: Fine. But we will have to take the stairs as somebody might see us in the lift and might ask Dr Luthra about it and..
Second Guy: No problem, lets take the stairs even when its 4 floors down. (Sarcastic tone)
First Guy: What happened about seeing the positives?
Second Guy: What about cribbing all the time?
First Guy: You have to win at everything.

They pick the stretcher, put it on wheels and start moving towards the stairs. They decide to move one floor at a time after making the stairs are vacant. There was no problem till the first 2 floors when suddenly they heard some movement and decided to hide in the next room. Every hospital door has a small window right in the middle of the upper half to help doctors & nurses to check on patients from the outside but they used it from the inside to keep a check on the outside. They could only hear footsteps.

First Guy: That’s Dr Luthra.
Second Guy: How do you know?
First Guy: Well I have closely observed his walking and I can tell by his pace and timing between the two feet hitting the ground that it’s him. Oh no he will catch us.
Second Guy: Relax. And observing somebody’s walking?? Either you are insane or you have great observation sense, I will bet on the former. Wait!!! I hear more footsteps.
First Guy: That’s sister rosy.
Second Guy: Dude you observe everybody’s walking?
First Guy: I just have the knack to pick up such things.
Second Guy: You are weird.
First Guy: Ssshhh!! What are the two of them talking about?
Second Guy: Why are they talking here and not on our floor.
First Guy: Why are they entering the storage room??
Second Guy: Take a guess!!
First Guy: But Dr Luthra recently got married.
Second Guy: That’s not the worst part, nurse Rosy has 4 kids!!!
First Guy: Lets get out and keep moving.
Second Guy: Are you crazy, they can come out any instant.
First Guy: Are you suggesting that we should wait for them till they are done doing whatever they are doing.
Second Guy: They won’t take hours, it’s a hospital and they are on call, I give them a max 10 mins. Why the long sentences? Can’t you just say sex?
First Guy: oh come you are so calm and composed these days.
Second Guy: (smiles) will tell you later but have you ever noticed that every third nurse is named Rosy. It’s like they change their names to Rosy as soon as they join the nursing school.
First Guy: (Laughs) only you can think of such things in this situation. I am glad to see this change in you. Six months ago you used to be serious and tense just like..
Second Guy: just like you are right now. Do you want to know why I changed?

First guy nods and they both move away from the door and sit down. The second guy takes a breath and starts talking “well it’s a long story, but I will try to cut it as short as much I can. I met a gal in my 10th class tuitions, dint talk to her much then, she dint like me at all but I found her to be okay. After that dint see her for 2 more years, we enrolled in the same college but different courses. I saw her in the corridor one day and that was the first time we both chatted for 5 mins. We both joined the same dramatic club and worked together on a play. That is when we started becoming close friends. She was the sweet innocent kinds and I was reckless wild kinds”

The second guy stops to absorb the effect those days have on him, takes another breath and continues- “I was friends with many gals but I always wanted to be around her. One year later I realized that I like her, I told her everything but she said no. I somehow managed to still work with her in the dramatic club and we got closer. I knew about her period cycle too!! She understood me like no one else on the planet. Around this time, she was close with a school friend of hers who proposed her. She started seriously considering him and it hurt me like hell. It was then I realized that I loved her but now it was too late to do anything.”

“She would share everything with me, somewhere I felt she loved me too but was too ignorant or innocent to realize it. I was crazy about her. She was the last thought I had before I slept and she was the first thought I had in the morning. At the end of third year, she made a commitment to the other guy; I was devastated and moved to Mumbai looking for work. Thought I would forget her there but that was not to be. Even though I never talked to her, at the end of the day all I wanted was her. Seven months later a common friend told me that she married that guy. I cried the whole week”

“I worked there for another year before coming back, three months later I too got married. Had a kid next year, had a good paying job, loving wife but I still wanted her. Most of the days I would think about her and how things would have been different if she and I were together. Finally six months ago, I saw her; she was in the hospital to get her husband checked. I recognized her and went over to say hi. We sat in the cafeteria just to catch up.”

Second Guy: You look good.
Gal: You are sweet, I am 30 now, I know I don’t look good anymore.
Second Guy: You dint look good when you were 20.
Gal: (Laughs) You are still rude and mean.
Second Guy: I have a purpose to be so.
Gal: oh God!! You still say that lame line. (Laughs again) How is your wife?
Second Guy: You know that I got married or you are just guessing?
Gal: I know you fell in love with a gal in Mumbai and married her four months after you left.
Second Guy: What?? Who told you this?
Gal: Ashish did, why?
Second Guy: he told me that you got married around that time.
Gal: No I dint get married around that time. I was trying to get in touch with you but you left without any contacts. It was then he told me that you are married and I should leave you alone. I was heart broken, thought I had lost on the one guy who truly loved me. It took me a year to get over that before I decided to get married.
Second Guy: (in shock) I can’t believe it, he lied to both of us. I left for Mumbai thinking I will get over you but I never could.
Gal: When did you actually get married?
Second Guy: I was in Mumbai for a year. Got married after I came back, I was told that you were married, that is when I decided to get married. Ashish knew my condition; he thought he was doing a favor to me.
Gal: It was my fault; once you left, I realized that I had all those feelings for you. I ended up being committed with a friend, but you never pushed me for it.
Second Guy: Wow!! So its my fault, I felt so much for you that I never wanted to push you, thought that if it was meant to be, it will be.
Gal: There’s so much confusion!! But nevertheless I am happy with my life; I have a very caring husband and 2 lovely kids.
Second Guy: Good for you (hiding his disappointment)
Gal: Aren’t you happy?
Second Guy: I still keep wondering what our lives would be if you had said yes?
Gal: There’s no guarantee we would have even lasted till now. I am too tough to handle, we probably would have broken up in six months.
Second Guy: You are killing me here.
Gal: Don’t get me wrong. I cried for god knows how many nights wanting you. I used to think about you even after I was married, even after having my first child. But then I lost my first child when he was 5 years old and it was then I realized that I dint express my love for him at all. I was too hung up on you, I realized that I have a very caring husband and I haven’t given him a chance just because I don’t have you. It was then that I changed and have been happy since. But yes I still at times think of you, of how I miss your jokes and your practicality and just you.
Second Guy: I still haven’t given my wife and kid a chance. I think she knows that I think about you but she never says anything.
Gal: Then go home and make her happy. Life is not about what we want; it’s about what we have. We keep desiring for more and lose out on those precious things we already have.
Second Guy: When did you get so wise?
Gal: You made me like this.

They both hug each other and as the guy is about to leave, he turns around and ask the gal “You really think we would have lasted six months?” The gal smiles, blushes and says “We both know we would have lasted a life time”.

Second Guy: That day I changed.
First Guy: what crap? You ruined 10 years of you life for a gal who you eventually get to know is in love with you all this time and this dint make you angrier?
Second Guy: Initially it did. Then I thought about what she said about life. We both love each other, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be happy. My son used to just pass his exams, in the last six months, I have shown faith in him, loved him, his grades have gone up.
First Guy: Whatever and those two have taken more than 15 mins.
Second Guy: It has only been 10.
First Guy: Well it felt like you have been talking for weeks.
Second Guy: See whatever tensions you have in you life, just let them go. You were right, I ruined 10 years for a gal but I am not going to ruin the rest of my life. Give everybody around you a chance and you will see that it will change you.
I: Man that story was so touching.

They both look around and started screaming.

PS: I was the dead body on the stretcher.

Pyaar hua Ikraar hua- The Climax

2010-04-14T06:18:00.000-07:00

Finally the day of our second encounter arrived. Aseem and I were off to daily (in case of guys living alone, it’s more like monthly) grocery shopping to a near by big bazaar. We were about to enter the main gate, when I happened to look over the crowd in opposite located McDonald’s.

There she was, all alone, taking a bite of Big Mac, looking cute while trying to fit the entire burger in her mouth. I smiled looking at her, making an excuse to Aseem first, I simply walked up to her and asked “If you don’t mind, may I join you?”

She looked up and it was the first time I noticed how pretty her eyes were, it felt like I was having a bird eye view of a waterfall, damn these kajal’s!! After taking a moment to recognize me, she finally replied back with “It’s not your office that you need to be so formal”

I smiled and said “a simple yes or not would do just fine”. Soon after saying this I realized that all these years my friends have been saying the same thing to me, some get annoyed with the fact that I don’t give straight answers though most of them (ok fine only one friend) are fascinated by my talent. This made me realize that she’s just like me, maybe all these years I was looking for a female ‘me’.

As I sat down she asked “what are you here for?”
Me: just to have a conversation with you
She: (looks at me with a puzzled look) I meant why you are here in the mall?
Me: isn’t it obvious, why does anybody come to mall? (Feeling proud that I had her cornered)
She: no it’s not obvious; you could be here to eat, or to shop or to do both.
Me: yeah yeah sure.

Alright, when I said yeah yeah, I had nothing left to say to win the conversation battle’ so all I could do was come with those two idiotic words.

Me: So how come you knew the other day that I wasn’t frustrated with my job or my love life.
She: Because I have observed you..
Me: (cutting her short) what? When? (Happy at this)
She: well don’t get flattered (seeing my expression), I have seen you walking back from office a couple of time and have seen you walking back dejected but that day you were singing something.
Me: yeah I was, but why do u notice me in particular? (Well you all know what I am trying to do here)
She: Well leave it.
Me: No, please I insist. (Getting hyperly excited)
She: Ok. Well it’s because you move your pelvic girdle like that of a gal and I find it pretty funny.

She just made me aware of the reason why my mom thinks I am gay.

Me: oh c’mon, that’s not it. Its just one of your ways to get out of such conversations.
She: yeah yeah, sure.

There she goes, I cornered her finally, she said yeah twice without its requirement. As my friend Rishi says “Aag dono taraf se hai” (the fire is from both the sides). Now I simply had to make her talk about her, then slip a couple of goody things about me, ask her no and plan for the next hangout. But before I could say anything, she asked

She: Have you had any gf in the past.
Me: (honest in such matters as always) Yes

An awkward silence

Me: Is there a problem?
She: No no

Again repeating the same word twice, it meant there was a problem, some quick action and a change of topic.

Me: The funny thing is we both have been talking and don’t even know each other’s name. What is yours?
She: Did you ever touch them?
Me: That’s a very long and complicated name. (Trying to lighten the situation and feeling really awkward)

Her lips dint even move a millimeter into a smile.

Me: ohh you are serious about this. Well.. (throat thirsty) yes I have. I mean is that really a question? I don’t even know how many gals I have touched?

Her eyes widened, nostrils flared up so much that I could see her brain, I quickly recollected what I had said and realized how cheap it might sound in a certain context.

Me: ohh I am sorry, I dint mean it that way, I simply meant…

She cut me off, got up from her chair and said “ I cannot believe I thought of you as my HUSBAND”

She jerked the chair off and left, I sat there in silence knowing that everybody there was staring at me but I couldn’t really understand what happened in the last 2 mins. She was all fun, smart and witty but why did she have to say ‘H’ word?

A min later Aseem joined me

Aseem : You gonna sit here the whole night kya?
Me: Na na. Just coming
Aseem: Why did you say ‘na’ twice?
Me: huh? Well nothing. Nothing at all
Aseem: There you go again. Leave it, Dude this city sucks
Me: You bet it does.

Pyaar hua Ikraar hua Vol 1

2010-01-08T01:15:00.000-08:00

After a hard day’s work, which started by reaching office at 9 am (read 11), leaving by 6pm (read 5.30) with only a 25 min (read 78 min) lunch break, I was walking back home, singing in a jovial mood.

The weather was a little cold with the winds blowing those odd strands of my beard which I forgot to fix in the morning. The ambience of the weather made me sing romantic songs, just when my voice was getting louder, I heard some loafers behind me passing a remark on a gal.

As I turned I noticed that they were passing remark on a gal who just crossed me in a rickshaw. The gals turns, clearly pissed off with the remarks, our eyes meet and right then I lost my voice, my mouth half open, she gave me a shocked look and turns back.

This is shit, I was just singing a song and the gal thinks I passed those remarks. All of it happened so quickly that I stopped singing but my mouth was still left open. And I don’t seem like the guy who teases gals on the road or for that matter anywhere else. Flirts yes but teases- hell no. Then I was reminded something my friend Geetika said to me “Angad you walk, talk and look like a doggy’. Maybe she was right.

Pissed at those boys, the gal in richshaw and Geetika I started walking back home. Some 50 yards before my house, I saw the same girl standing. This time I decided to keep my head down, pass her without saying anything or looking at her. Just when I was crossing her, she said “hey, what’s your problem?”

This was my moment; I could have my vengeance now. How dare she think of me as an eve teaser?? As I turned and looked carefully at her, I noticed her dusty complexion, strands of her hair that fell perfectly on her left cheek; a smile broke onto my face. I dint want any vengeance, I wanted to know her.

What do I do now? She thinks of me as a creep and I wanted her to think of me as her hero. In such situation and every other situation, I need more than one conversation to make that change. The solution is to become rude to the opposite sex. It just makes them wonder on how some guy could be so rude to them. And this gives you a second opportunity.

I replied

Me: you really wanna know what my problem is??
Gal: yeah?? (More of a duh like tone)
Me: well first I am in this shitty place called Meerut, Second my boss treats me like a piece of shit, gives me clerical work all day and thirdly the gal I love doesn’t even know that I exist.

She started laughing and said “you are lying; the Meerut part is true but rest you are lying.” And then she just left.

I was puzzled, yet happy. It was the first time that a gal outsmarted me. She was right, my boss is helpful and I fall in love with gals who know I exist.

On top of this she walked out on me at the perfect moment, without giving me the time to explain myself.

Later in the night I realized that when she started the conversation, she had no anger in her voice, strange considering she thought I just teased her.

Something tells me this isn’t over yet.

Meerut- A new beginning

2009-12-15T23:11:00.000-08:00

The so called global company ‘threw’ (yeah that’s right) me in Meerut. This place is known only for one thing- hooligans. On my way to Meerut, I saw the prettiest sunrise of my life, the sun was right at the horizon, bright orange in color. Felt like God was saying “Son, don’t be scared, in Meerut your life is going to be like that sunrise.” Later on I found out that God was actually saying “Ha-ha son, that’s the last pretty thing you are going to see for a long long time to come.”

The driver came to a halt in front of a five floor ill maintained, more like the DDA district center one finds in Delhi. I kept looking for the global company’s board but couldn’t find it, finally the driver pointed at the ‘almost about to fall down’ building and said “sir, second floor, your office sir”. I couldn’t say anything for the next several mins. I mean after giving me a guest house stay for 15 days right in the centre of Gurgaon, then treating us royally in the Gurgaon office, they threw me in this shit hole.

As I climbed up, things got worse, every corner had a ‘pan spit’, one could’nt touch any part of the building for the fear of dying with some infection. As I stepped into the office, I realized that the roof was so small that I could not stand with my hands raised, there was no seating place, and you had to adjust when the place was already beyond its saturation. Reminded me of a dialogue from a movie “In Indian trains, 5 people will be seating on a 3 passenger seat and 6th fellow will walk up to you and say “please adjust””

Dint even have an internet connection, stole a LAN cable on my second day, then a hub port on the third day. Learned to snatch seat as soon as a guy gets up. This was about the office, let’s move onto the city now.

The first things you notice about Meerut are the numerous ‘rickshaw pullers” and posters of C grade sex movies everywhere. In Meerut, you will be advised never to get into an argument with a rickshaw puller because there are so many of them that they can literally take the city for a spin, I mean there are more god damn rickshaw pullers than passengers.

I have lost count of the no. of different C grade sex film poster I have seen in my 2 months here, the last I remember was 528. Even our Bollywood movie poster has only the actress showing her cleavage. You wont find a poster of ‘Rocket Singh’ but can easily find one of “ Jaldi Chingari” etc etc .

Moving onto the women here. Seeing them, I realize why to the guys of Meerut, konkana sen Sharma is like Priyanka Chopra, Priyanka Chopra is like Angelina Jolie.

What I am going to write next is known to the guys, so they can skip the next few lines. Well ladies, whenever a guy walks into a different place, for instance from one room to another room with people in it, he instantly knows where are all the hot looking women in the room. It’s because of this ‘thing’; let me call it the ‘vibe detector’.

The vibe detector simply detects the stronger vibes coming from the good looking (read hot hot hot!!) gals and directs the body towards them. In Meerut my vibe detector hasn’t beeped once. For a moment, I thought it’s probably dead but whenever I am in Delhi, I realize its catching vibes from everywhere.

However, there is something in Meerut you won’t find in Delhi, there might be a shortage of space in my office but people are more than happy to welcome you, help you and more importantly teach you. They might be sitting comfortably but will adjust with their comfort if it helps you in any manner. There might be several posters of low class sex films but you find equal boarding of condoms, in fact the largest advertisement that I have seen in Meerut is a condom ad. People here welcome you into their house even if they don’t know you, offer you tea, make you feel like home.

You should look at the positives of a place and fall in love with them instead of looking at the negatives.

Amen

Work Life

2009-09-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

Something good and bad has happened to funnistein. First the good part : Funnistein has been listed as a ‘must read’ by all MBA institutes (TIME,IMS,CL etc), so suddenly it has a lot of readers. Now the bad news : The reason funnistein is listed is- that it has been proclaimed as the perfect example of how ‘not’ to write or for that matter speak English.

On a personal front, I have started working in a global company, seEing the populaRity of my blog, I have decIded not to defame the ‘global’ Company by mentioning itS name but have drOpped Subtle hiNts for the logical guys.

Been here for 13 days and have felt in love with this place, not with the lectures or the trainers or the everlasting, killing you every second presentations but with fellow trainees and the after 5 pm time spent literally doing nothing.

Here’s my appreciation for some of them.

1) Rishi Singla : His big eyes are one of the reasons why Chinese loathe Indians. He cant sing, is sloppy at studying, has only one thing on his mind-gals but since the decriminalization of 377 act, he’s inclining towards the other side. He is also a wonder on earth; he’s the only buffalo in the world who can walk on two feet.

2) Chetan Sharma: his parents destroyed his childhood by naming him after the ‘infamous’ cricketer. He has loads of PJ and takes pride in telling each and every one of them. He is the official bodyguard of all the ladies in the house. He’s the only one among us who listens to every shit that is said in the class.

3) Pulkit Seth : Hes next to Chetan when it comes to studying but he acts like he knows everything. The best thing about him that you don’t have to work hard to make fun of him, this guy is so damn weird that stupidness simply oozes out of him every second. He is a good singer though but a bad pseudo drummer.

4) Abhijit Mitra : He’s our ‘dada’ and my room mate. After 5 pm you would find most of the guys in the guest house in our room, the fact that he has a laptop and plays guitar well are the second and third reason respectively for it. The first reason obviously being that it’s my room. I can’t understand the reason why he has had only one gf till now, seriously man you should have hit double digits by now.

5) Abhijit kumar: He’s the official ‘plan for hanging out’ organizer but we seldom follow them. On a average he drops his phone every 3.68 minutes. This is one of the reasons he has been selected in this global company, they hope he that will bring more business by breaking phone. He sings well, plays instruments like congo, is good at sports. Any psychologist would say that he’s a confused man, because he writes with his right hand but uses his left hand, prominently while explaining or describing things. If this confuses you, it’s better you call a mental hospital.

Well there are more guys here but these five completely fit into the Funnistein material.

Wrong Number

2009-08-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

This happened on August 7th, I was leaving my place to meet Gurleen at around noon, as usual I was late and was running towards the bus stop. My phone rang right when I reached the bus stop, it was an unknown no., I picked it up and from the other end a girl spoke

Girl:( In a shaky voice, very fast paced) Hello…. Hi .. I don’t know who you are?
Me: then why are you calling me?
Girl: uhh.. the thing is I am new here, and some guys kid… kidnapped me.
Me: what?? You kidding me right? Who is this??
Girl: (even more tensed voice) See, I need your help, please please don’t take it as a joke, please. I don’t remember my father’s no… uh..uh.. I remembered it in bits and dialed whatever I could remember, and your number got dialed.
Me: alright.. uh
Girl: see I have been blindfolded the entire time. I just remember that while taking a turn, one of the guys said that this isn’t the turn, we have to take turn from the next red light, the one before lifestyle.
Me: ok. I know that place, maybe I can help.
Girl: Oh Oh that’s good, that’s real good. (I heard some foot steps). Oh god!! They are coming, I have to keep.

As soon as she kept the phone, I realized that same situations have been there in movies too. My initial reaction was that some friend must be playing a prank with me but then I thought that what if they weren’t. And even if they were, they knew well that I will hit back and hit back hard. I decided to take an auto till that place and wait for her call.

I stopped the first auto, the guy said he would go by meter, anybody who has ever been to Delhi, would agree with me that this isn’t short of any miracle. On the auto ride, this one event made me feel like that probably I was destined to be a part of this. I know its one of the many foolish Indian believes but then Facebook says I am 75% Indian.

10 mins after I reached there, she called me up again

Girl: uh uh uh hello, you there, so have you decided whether you believe me or not.
Me: I do, that is why I am already at the place where you told me to be. But why did the kidnapers give you a phone? (something that struck me just then).
Girl: A phone fell from one of the guys during a struggle between us; he probably hasn’t realized that yet. Well they took me somewhere else..
Me: what? Where? Do you have any idea?
Girl : Yeah I do, it was a real tall building for I had to climb so many stairs, and I can say for sure that I am on a roof thanks to the scorching sun. (she said this with an accent)
Me: are you a NRI?
Girl: yeah I arrived here last week from London.
Me: do you have swine flu? Can I catch it through the phone?
Girl: Firstly No. Secondly No. And thirdly is this really important? Do you know its mortality rate is less than common flu. And Fourthly I am KIDNAPPED.

For the first time she spoke with confidence that comes along with rage.

Me: alright I am sorry. Well a tall building doesn’t really help, there are many around here
Girl: I heard somebody say district centre. Does this help?
Me: it does.

I again heard some footsteps.

Girl: Oh god they are here again.
Me: wait tell me your name.
Girl: its naina.
Me: that’s not an NRI name.

She banged the phone. At this point the idea of informing police struck me. I know I proclaim myself as the ‘logical’ guy but difficult situation are well difficult to handle. I dropped the idea as I felt that I should first see the entire scenario before calling police. I decided to take the metro not because I am cheap but noise around me helps me to concentrate and keeps all sexual thoughts away.

The entire way I kept assuring myself that I can do this but I had this odd thought that something wasn’t right, I couldn’t quite place what it was. I was pondering over it and as I reached district centre, she called again

Girl: they again shifted me. (some music behind her), they took me from the alley door, it’s a banquet, some party is going on. Do you think they will force me to be a prostitute?
Me: um.. uh.. don’t worry, I wont let that happen.

Later on I would be proud of my courage.

Me: any idea where it is?
Girl: yes, I saw written on one of the napkins, privilege panjab. You know this place?
Me: yes I do, its next to the place they took you earlier. Will be there in 5 mins.

And I hung up, I rushed for an auto, he agreed on meter, I decided to stick to my plan, to assess the situation and call police. As soon as I reached there, I could hear music from the party hall. Going by the back door will be suicidal; I decided to head from the front door and if somebody asked I would say that I mistakenly came to the wrong party. To help my story I took a bouquet with me.

As soon as I entered, it was complete dark, lights went on and I saw Gurleen first, then Mehak, Manveen, Abishek gawking at a hot waitress whose number I later got, Jassi sleeping on a couch and then everybody shouted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”.

They all started laughing. Oh we so scared the poor soul, somebody said. Again everybody laughed. I finally said

Me: today isn’t my birthday; it’s on 7th October not august.

Everybody was silent and staring at each other.

Gurleen: you sure?

I nodded and said “pretty much”. This was followed by another awkward staring at each other before we all laughed and decided to enjoy the party anyhow. That girl was Gurleen’s cousin who had actually arrived a week ago. Her name was indeed Naina.

PS: All the laughter woke up jassi, when he was told the reason for it. He boastfully said “I already knew”. “Yeah, right”, I replied, “do you even know which year I was born in?”. He thought for a while and said “Ha Ha, we are classmates so we were born in the same year”. “Which is?”, I asked. He thought more than a while and replied back “how would I know? I was an infant back then.”

PSS: the ‘thing’ that wasn’t right is that the entire time I was running after Naina, Gurleen never called me up even when I was late. But I am glad this dint struck me earlier, for I would have missed the shocked faces at the party.

Wonders of engineering

2009-08-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

There are none.

Oh!!! Wait. I just realized, there are some but very specific to each field. Let me enumerate them for you.

1) Electronics Engineer: You are asked regularly by relatives whether you can repair their fans and refrigerators. Initially you tell them that it isn’t the job of an engineer to repair fans but they don’t agree, you finally give up and start saying that you cannot repair because you are a ‘lousy engineer’. All your relatives agree.

2) Computer engineer: you are asked to format your relative’s computer till the time some younger cousin does engineering in the same field.

3) IT engineering: nobody from the non technical understands what it’s about. All your life is spend in making them understand the difference in IT and Computer engineering which frankly even you don’t know.

4) Mechanical Engineering: everybody thinks you work in a workshop wearing mechanic clothes.

5) Electrical engineering: You are introduced as the ‘one who is doing electronics engineering’.

6) Bio Technology: You are believed to be the forensic guy in the forever going on CID serial.

7) Chemical Engineering: you are often confused with chemistry lab ass, and people believe your closet only has lab coats.

8) Civil Engineering: You are blamed for every road or bridge that falls through, people believe you are lazy and arrogant and all you do is relax on the road and sip tea.

9) Gas Engineering: People think it’s an alias for ‘doing nothing’.

All in all, when you enrolled in an engineering college, you thought you were entering an elite group. Four years down the line you realize that every year around 6 lakh people in India alone join that elite class. Probably taking arts in school would have been better.

Family Affairs

2009-07-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

Ekta Kapoor made the concept of family feel stupid, dumb and highly irritating. Godfather movies made the concept of ‘nobody messes with my family’ very popular. It is an irony that the former is about love and the latter is about mafia.

Growing up, my feeling towards my family changed and then changed again. So here is an account of the change in feelings of a boy and then a man towards his family.

Under the age of 10: You only meet your second and farer cousins at wedding’s and at deaths. The only difference between the two for you is that wedding involves dancing, playing with plastic guns and balloons where the latter does not. All aunties keep pulling your cheeks and to all uncles’s you always seem taller than last time. Some old relatives always call you ‘kaka’ though you keep telling him your name. Your rank in school is always compared with your cousins and you can’t really understand as to why your older cousin’s, call staring at girls ‘bird watching’ or ‘shikar’.
Summary: you can’t understand as to why you are supposed to love your way so you pretend that you do.

At 15-18 : You are probably leading the pack for ‘shikar’. You hate kids running around for balloons and you fail to understand as to why kids keep asking for balloons at deaths. Your rank is still compared but you don’t give a shit now. You are getting to know some of your family secrets. Till the time you turn 25, you will be aware of all the skeletons in the family closet. It is due to these secrets that you start hating your uncles, and get to know how cunning your aunties are.
Summary: barring one cousin, you hate all of them specially ‘family friends’.

Around 30 (soon after marriage): You tend to hide all of your family secrets, your wife does the same, and both keep trying to know each other’s. The more secret known, the more ugly the fights are, the more cursing and abuses during fights, the more insults but then the more better make up sex is. Aint it?? Latter years, you are the one who is buying balloons, comparing your child performances with other cousins and then you get a feeling of déjà vu, but can’t seem to understand why?? Well here it is guys; 20 years ago you were that ‘child’. (The last line is for the dumb person who doesn’t understand the flow of the post. Don’t worry you will have more help like these later on)

Summary: still hate your family. Your wife’s family really respects you but down the years you find out that the reason behind that was the fact that you are married to their daughter or sister. Now you start hating them too.

After 50: you are among the eldest, you know so many relatives now and with new ones coming, you can’t remember each and every name. So you have started calling all boys as ‘kaka’ and gals as ‘kudiya’. Another feeling of déjà vu. You have many skeletons of your own in the family closet and are a guardian of the same. Everybody takes advice from you over everything but nobody follows them.
Summary: you start loving your family specially the ones that have grown up right in front of your eyes. Still hate your wife’s family.

Around 75: You are the one who slows down the family. Somebody needs to accompany you till the restroom. Your wife is deaf, your kids don’t listen but your grandchildren love you and you relive your youth with them. On your death bed, you open your eyes, and see barring one or two, you are surrounded by family who are trying to keep a brave front and smile at you and then you realize:

Quote
“ In the end, a man only has his family”
Unquote
Angad Singh Ranyal
(and not Gandhi as many books would say)

Summary: you wished you had more time to love your family.

It was my day :)

2009-06-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

Last week both Jassi and I were preparing for our JTO as well as campus connect exam, due to the enormously dull (all of it) course, we divided it in half and taught each other. One of the days when I was studying late at his house, I decided to take a bus home instead of metro. I knew it was after 9 and at around this time, it is easier to find a seat in the bus and it dropped me right outside my place.

Traveling in the bus with a seat is so much better than metro because all the announcements and viewing roof tops make metro monotonous. Obviously this holds true only at night and on not so hot days. Anyhow, when I was making my way to the bus stop, I saw only one person sitting on the bench. I couldn’t make out whether it was a male or a female.

Two strides later, I noticed that the person was stroking her hair and I noticed the length of the hair. Definitely female. Two strides further, she stood up and I could see that she was wearing a red top and a blue jean. Alright, since the time Delhi daredevils cheerleaders have worn red and blue as their attire, this combination is so IN. If a dozen of girls all 9/10, walk past a guy, and one of the gals who even might be 5/10 but is wearing a red top and a blue jean, the guy will surely only look at her. That is the power of ‘this’ attire.

Probably now you can understand how I felt when I saw what she was wearing. But I decided not to trouble the poor soul in the dark and decided to walk right past her and stand with my back towards her, facing the side from where the bus was supposed to arrive. Walking past her, I noticed that she was real tense (I guess due to the dark and we all know how safe women are in Delhi) and seeing me she took a deep breath, she seemed calmer. Anyways, I stood the way I had decided to, but I felt like somebody was staring me from the behind.

I quickly turned around and noticed that the girl was staring at me. My sudden jerky turn around surprised her, and she took a moment to look the other way. I now realized how girls always know which guy is staring at them, and also found out the reason as to why the boyfriend of a gal I was staring from behind, punched me. The quick turn and her hesitation gave me the time to look at her features.

She neither was really pretty nor was hot, but her lean body and somewhat symmetrical face, not to forget the attire, made her attention griping. I again turned around and faced towards the bus side. After some 5 mins (in reality only 15 secs), I once again made a quick turn around, this time she was sitting and looking at me. When I turned, our eyes met and she smiled. She corrected the position of her watch, caressed her hair and smiled again.

I was ecstatic, as I never know what to say in such blissful times, I started praying. In such times I pray to god to give me something, anything to talk about. Just then a truck with its beam light on came and the light from the truck reflected from the girl’s watch rim and struck me in the eye. As I quickly covered my eye, my feet shifted and I slipped from the pavement and fell on the road. The gal couldn’t stop laughing.

As I got up, she asked me if I was ok? I simply nodded but more importantly, my prayers had been answered, God was on my side, I got an opening. I slowly moved closer to her, as I did she shrunk herself as if she was in some fear. I noticed it and stopped my forward movement. I was about to retreat when I looked her in the eyes; she again smiled and was calm once again. Confident that I have been good till now, I moved towards her again. When I was a foot away from her, I was about to say ‘hi’ but before that, she spoke up

She: You need to know something. (Without waiting for me to answer). I am married.
Me: (not knowing what to say but as God was on my side. My reply was): ok, good, congrats, hmmm, just wanted to know what time it is?

My bus came in another 5 mins, I couldn’t stop smiling the whole way back.

PS: The old ‘time’ trick always works.

PSS: What’s up with the cheer leaders in the world cup? ICC should learn a lesson from it. Never ever should a T20 cup be held in a country where winters are on.

Bizzare thing

2009-06-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

Today my girlfriend and I decided to catch a movie. That isn't the bizarre thing i have refereed to in the title.I bought the tickets and waited for her at Rajouri Garden Metro Station and as it always is, she was once again late. She always has plenty of excuses like she couldn’t find the other shoe or the earning, and her most common one is that she was trying so hard to look good for me that she just kept on changing.
(Footnote : We recently started dating so I keep falling for the latter excuse).

But this time around she had a genuine excuse. She dint want to tell me on the phone, so I had to wait (read: really long time) till the time she came. Finally after drinking 2 Pepsi pet bottles, separating a pair (probably a couple) of ants and then calculating the time it took for them to meet (still isn't the bizarre thing), she arrived.

She: I am so tired. Do you know what happened today?
Me: No. Duh
She: Ha ha ha. When will your PJ’s end. (without waiting for me to answer). OK listen. While boarding the metro, I accidentally dropped my token in the gap between the train and the platform(that's the one i have been referring to). So it felt on the rails and as the doors closed…
Me: what? Where did you drop the token?
She: In the gap na. The gap they keep announcing ‘to mind while boarding and getting off’.
Me: I know the gap bu..
She: (cutting me, her usual habit): Ok good. Then as the door closed…
Me: you know what? Till date, about some 10 million people should have bought the tokens and never ever, and I emphasize on the words ‘never ever’ would have somebody dropped the token where you did.
She: (arrogant tone): so?
Me: so that means that by your act today, it has been determined that the probability of dropping the token in the ‘gap’ is one to ten million.

She posed in her super model fashion and said: Well I am one in ten million. Aint I?

How to you compete with that? I simply smiled and listened to the rest of her adventure, which was indeed what it was expected (read: boring) to be.

Quote

2009-06-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

What i am about to quote,I am sure most of the readers are already aware about it. You must have recieved this as an sms from a lame senti friend, or worst, you would have seen this quote in one (it can be more than one depending upon your friend circle) of your crazy ass friend's album, either on orkut or facebook or both.

Here it goes:
'I like to walk in rain because nobody can see me crying then.'

Today i feel it.

My first poem

2009-05-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

After some 50 post, I have decided to venture into poetry. I know it sucks, but hell with you, its my blog and I can post whatever I like. (boo-hoo)

So here it goes:

The Mehta’s had a baby,
They named her drapy,
She always kept weeping,
Stopped them from sleeping.

When drapy was seven,
Hell overtook heaven,
People all around were dying,
The birds stopped flying.

(I know its been stupid up till now, that is if you have read till here, but hold on, it does get better.)

There was misery all around,
The earth was no longer round,
The luxuries we enjoy today,
Our generations will pay for it everyday.

There was no water in the drains,
Nobody had more than handful of grains,
Drapy was alone,
On earth, above 20, she was lone.

Being the eldest, she decided everything,
But in her own mind, she was clear about nothing,
With no food, no water, no oxygen in air,
All man was left to eat, was his own hair.

(Lol lol lol. I lied, it didn't get any better, but now that you have read till here, read the last stanza too and humor the blessed poet that I am)

Today, that is what we are doing,
Destroying future generations, instead of wooing,
My message to all magnificent and brave,
Take action or the earth will soon be a grave.

Poem finish. Please stand up and do clapping for me.

The twisted tale of love.

2009-05-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

All 8th semester students in IP University are supposed to make their final major project as part of curriculum. Having teamed up in the previous semester and also before that, Jaspreet( Jassi), Manpreet (Sachu) and I decided to team up for the final time.

Some facts pertaining to us.

Jassi: An ‘actual’ engineer. He sleeps with gadgets under his pillow. Narrates anecdotes from Sherlock Holmes series on anything and everything.

Sachu: If he doesn’t know the answer to the question, he changes the question on his own and answers it but the best part; he still gets marks for it. Falls under the category of ‘pseudo engineer’.

Me: Ultra cool guy. Great sense of humor. Super personality. Always a winner. Invert all that I just said, and you have me.

We started working on our project by the end of January. What I am about to narrate, happened somewhere in mid march. The three of us would work at jassi’s house, reach early morning, have lunch and leave by evening. On certain days Sachu would behave weird after having lunch. We would want to go for walks even if the heat outside meant we were right next to sun and not some 10 lakh km away, and wouldn’t go on other cloudy days.

His excuse for this absurd behavior was that he ate too much and felt that a walk would help me digest fast. Even though jassi and I noticed that he ate the same amount every day, we never said anything, in fact we would joke around saying that Sachu goes out to fart the extra food.

One of these days, when Sachu had gone out for such walks a couple of times, he again wished to carry his ‘after lunch exercise’ but this time the weather was pleasant. Incidentally, I too had eaten too much that day and felt like taking a walk myself. As soon as Sachu left, I told Jassi that I too wanted to go for a walk. Jassi had nothing good to do, so he decided to come along.

Barely 5 secs after Sachu left, the two of us left his house. When we came out, I was about to call (shout out) Sachu but Jassi held me and said

Jassi: shhh
Me: wat?
Jassi: he is up to something.

As soon as jassi said this, I noticed that Sachu was walking really brisky, some thing that is unusual from our non athletic team mate.

Jassi: do u know how I deduced that he is up to something?
Me : (thinking) here comes one of his Sherlock Holmes moment.
Jassi: that is how Sherlock Holmes observe things. (grinning like he solved the assassination of JFK)
Me: let’s follow him.

He was walking on the way which leads to the metro station. We almost had to jog in order to follow him. Next to the metro station is the Café Coffee Day outlet. Sachu walked into it and we took a safe position from where we could see him clearly.

Jassi: why would he come here for coffee? My mom makes good coffee.
Me: (had entire concentration on Sachu, dint listen to a word Jassi said)
Jassi: dosent she?
Me: (judging his tone): yes she does.
Jassi: then why is he here?
Me: I think he’s waiting for somebody.
Jassi: how do you know?
Me: use your deduction power, desi Sherlock Holmes?
Jassi: you know what angad; you can be really mean at times (almost crying)

I gave him a semi hug (the only kind of physical contact I can have with a man), and told him that I was just joking. And then I pointed out that how Sachu kept looking at his watch and then at the main entrance. As soon as I finished, a simpleton gal with a folder in her hands walked inside CCD and sat next to Sachu.

We both couldn’t believe your eyes. The chances of India Pakistan reaching a peace agreement were more than Sachu having a girl friend. The respect with which Sachu was treating her and the fact that he dint tell us about her made us believe that he was indeed dating this girl and was quite chivalrous at it.

Jassi finally spoke after some 5 mins

Jassi: lets go home.
Me: no, I want to meet her and slap Sachu.
Jassi: no yaar, lets not embarrass him. If he doesn’t wish to tell us, then let it be like that.
Me: why the hell you have to be always right.
Jassi: why the hell you have to be so mean? (Sobbing again)
Me: alright, alright, just kidding. You are right, let’s go back to your place.

Two weeks passed and the three of us never spoke about the girl, plus the fact that Sachu stopped his walks made us in some way forget about it until one day jassi’s mom said

Aunty: beta, why don’t you go for walks anymore? I guess your stomach is fine now.
Sachu: ah.. uh..ah.. yes aunty, it is.

When aunty left, the feeling of betrayal crept back into me, when I couldn’t hold it in any longer, I confronted him.

Me: we know why you went on those walks?
Jassi: no Angad…..
Me: (cutting jassi) you betrayed us.
Sachu: (in shock) you know? The two of you know?
Me: I cannot believe you would hide such a thing from us.
Jassi: angad please ta…
Me: (cutting jassi) do you have anything to say in your defense. I mean having a girl friend is not a crime.
Sachu: what?? Who has a girl friend?
Jassi: angad don’t..
Me: (cutting jassi again) then who was that girl who you used to meet at CCD? Don’t lie. We both saw you there?
Sachu: I can explain.
Jassi: angad DON’T..
Me: what is your problem? Let him explain.
Jassi: you have the soldering iron on and connected to the wires, our circuit is burning.
Me: ohh. Why dint you say earlier?
Jassi: if you would just let someone else speak?
Me: there is no need to be so mean?
Sachu: can I explain?
Me: about what?
Jassi: the circuit is still burning.
Sachu: about the gal.

Jassi slapped the two of us, and made us rectify the circuit first. Then we all sat down and Sachu said

Sachu: that gal was a one of those HR professionals who work in recruitment companies. She is just helping me in improving my inter personal skills and is forwarding my resume to companies. I couldn’t these sessions at my place because of the project and that is why CCD.
Me: but why dint you tell us?
Sachu: because I thought you guys would feel bad that I am applying at places without telling you guys. You see with the recession and all, everyone is on their own.
Me: we understand that yaar. Even I have applied in 3-4 companies without telling you two.
Jassi: WHAT? YOU GUYS ARE APPLYING WITHOUT INFORMING ME. I HAVENT APPLIED ANYWHERE. WHY THE HELL WON……
Me: (Whispering) Sachu I think its time for us to leave.

PS: I knew that India Pakistan peace agreement have a higher probability than Sachu having a gf.

Election time

2009-04-09T09:12:00.000-07:00

General elections are around. Many film stars have come out this time urging the youth to vote. Even the chief of Ram Sena whose mind is totally messed (read:fucked) up asked the youth to vote but he probably wants all gals to wear Indian attire while doing the same.

But who do we vote?? 98% of the politicians have either 'corrupt' or 'murderer' as their middle name, and most of us aint aware about the other 2%. One of the examples that comes to mind from the 2% is our Prime Minister: Manmohan Singh but hes seems totally out of place in any world leader conferences or for that matter even in his party meetings.

Since Independence congress has (except for one time) regularly won from Amethi yet we hear nothing spectacular about that place. Rahul Gandhi is starting his political career from Amethi like his ancestors and all he does is organise 20-20 matches. Yup, that is what this drought ridden constituency needs.

L K Advani has been the MP from Gandhinagar for the past 20 years, and the locals there tell me that they see him after every 5 years without fail. Yet these people keep on winning because we keep on voting without using our grey matter.

We all should vote, and probably some random guy just to make sure that these goons do not come to power again. I know voting any guy is like wasting your vote but sitting at home is too. And on top of it by sitting at home we increase their vote, so even though you might not vote, you still have a hand in electing our leaders.

I dream of a peaceful, corruption less India. Some day it might come true.

Its over

2009-04-06T09:48:00.000-07:00

If after reading the title, you feel that the torture of funnistein is over, you are absolutely wrong in assuming so, it continues.
What are over are my internal examinations. Finally after 4 years of paper ( every 2 months), i am done with them, today was my last one. Though seeing me celebrate, my mom remarked ki "beta dont celebrate so much, shatan dekhta hai, suppli aa gayi toh?" and my reply to this totally outrageous indian supersition is " agar aa bhi gayi toh dobara internals nahi dunga". My mom hasnt spoken to me since then.

We gave 78 papers as 'internal paper'. Abishek you calculated wrong, i was pretty certain you would. Looking at that no., i feel like its an achievement, something for which a party should be thrown or our names should be written on some roll of honour. Who am I kidding?? This is the Indian education system, where more papers mean better education.

I love my india. Jai Hind

One more time

2009-03-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

Thanks for your overwhelming response to the gtbit post, I have decided to take another dig at our college and this time include our university too.

IP University promised us that it will make us engineers; two months away from graduation I have lesser knowledge than a tv or a computer repair guy. Somebody needs to inform the decision making people of our university that conducting papers every month doesn’t make engineers, especially when the questions are directly picked up from books whose author are faculty member in your university.

And why is one topic being repeated in many subjects. We have the topic SONET in at least 5 subjects and it was asked in only one of them. But hey, at times IP University does conduct tricky or tough paper but soon they realize that their own faculty can’t answer those questions and in comes lenient marking.

God knows how you people check papers. A person expecting 30 would get 75 and one expecting 95 will get 30. I once attempted questions worth 69 marks and secured 70!! Even 10 years old can do better checking than you.

We have studied more subjects than Einstein ever did and at the end of four years, a civil engineer knows more about computer than a computer science engineer does, a mechanical engineer knows more than electronics than an electronics engineer does and vice versa.

On to GTBIT now. These days I find more construction workers than 4th year students. Every final year student is on leave on the pretext of their major project; while the truth is that some guy in district centre is working on their project for 5K while they party (I mean having the sound system in their car at full volume or riding their bike on one wheel).

The teachers are even better; most of them are working on their M.TECH final project (the same guy in district centre is doing theirs too) and only give assignments stating that the question paper will come from only those 25 questions (they never do). But why to blame them, the college has more support staff than teaching staff.

And people in management are trying to get in to politics riding on the success of GTBIT while the truth is that students of GTBIT have done well because of their caliber or because of their desire to be better. College has no whatsoever role in it. Today I read an article about the annual moonbuggy race being conducted at NASA and was shocked (happy wala) to find a student of our college as one of the participants. But he might not go because of lack of funds, I hope against hope that the college supports him.

That’s it for this time. But there’s more inside me.

Whatever!!!!!!!!

2009-01-22T08:25:00.001-08:00

16 Nov: CAT examination.

Finally the day came when my 10 months of hard work and preparation (basically goofing around) would come to use. I reached my centre 30 mins prior to the reporting time, on my seat 45 mins before the exam began.

Filled up my details on the OMR sheet, still 20 mins left and then I looked up to see a stunning beauty sitting right in front of me. I dint notice her walking inside the room but the view of her back had completely blown me away. I realized that she was wearing a jacket, and even then I could see the precise curve of her mid rib.

The curve was so perfect that for a moment I forgot the purpose of my presence in that room. It was the last thing I needed on the D day. People who are in love always say that what matters is the person inside, but when one has a curve like that, who cares what’s inside. All this made me wonder about how she actually looked like?

I thought that her having a pretty face, even mattered? Just at that moment she removed her jacket, in a manner that it felt like a semi striptease. And I saw a mid rib I had only imagined in my dreams. I had the answer to my question, NO it doesn’t matter.

5 mins left for the exam, had no clue what to do. I mean how do you impress a gal when both of you are present to give an examination on which your future depends, even if she liked me, will she want to encourage it at this moment?? 2 mins left, my mouth was entirely dry, I finally knew that I am not good at taking decisions in pressure situations, MBA in marketing seemed like the wrong career choice but that could be deliberated upon later.

60 seconds left, she suddenly turns and places her hand on my desk. My focus was shifted from her back to the hand, the glow on her skin was so enticing that I could look at it all my life (alright at least 5 mins). And then she said “can I use your sharpener?” I looked up. This told me 2 things

1) Earlier when I said- if a gal has a really good figure, then her looks don’t matter, I lied.
2) This gal wasn’t gonna do good in the English section of the paper, because the correct usage is ‘may I’ and not ‘can I’.

3 years at gtbit

2008-09-07T08:09:00.000-07:00

Its been three years since my first day at GTBIT, a ‘so called’ engineering college. ‘So called’ because, in 3 years, I have not once seen, heard or learned one thing at this college which will make me say with pride that I am a ‘would be’ engineer.

The ever ‘under’ construction college, boosts of a 5 acre campus in its brochure which reduces to under an acre as soon as you step into its premises. The rest of the land, as the college authorities put it “is under dispute”.

A sikh minority institute, it has sikh’s as majority, not only as students but as teachers, lab ass, plumber, gardener, cleaner etc etc.

To be a teacher at the college you should have passed your B.tech (a fake degree would also do) but should be a Sikh. To be a lab ass, you should be a Sikh and passed Vth standard (a fake certi won’t do in this case)

90% of the teachers are females in the college. Out of which 40% just completed their B.tech, 25% just got married or are engaged, 15% are pregnant, and the rest are too old to climb till first floor!!

The college has 2 directors, both aren’t aware about the existence of the other. One of them teaches his voice barely reaches beyond the first desk and the second one literally finds news ways to beg students to attend classes.

There are 4 categories of students at GTBIT
1) Sardar guys : they are interested only in bikes and new styles of turban.
2) Non sardar guys: interested only in ‘Sardarnis’.
3) Sardar girls: interested only in the latest design of patiala design suit wear.
4) Non sardar girls: are there any???

Even after all this the college has provided me with one thing which I will always cherish. Though the college has no role in it, but this thing makes me believe that it was in my destiny to be here to achieve bigger things in life.

Tennis ki prem katha

2008-07-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

Lawn tennis-is one of my latest passion. For the past 2 years ankit (best friend) and I have been a regular at our area's sport club. Slowly we have picked up the game and are now average at it. Our craze for the game has been well supplemented by the discount offered by sports club to students. Though we still believe that they should provide us free balls (i mean tennis ones)

One can play anything from 10am-4pm at a cost of only Rs.10. So on holidays we both would turn up at exact 10am and play till our bodies allowed us to. One of the days, due to certain circumstances we both started playing at 2pm. Suddenly at 3 a mixed bunch of small kids and teenagers appeared at the court. We inquired about the sudden intrusion of so many people, and we were told that 3pm is tennis coaching time.

5 mins later all the kids started taking rounds of the court. Suddenly i noticed a girl around 17 warming up around like others. She was wearing a perfect sport outfit and running in a rhythmic fashion. Running gals probably attract guys more than naked gals. Guys would obviously agree with me and gals who cannot understand, kindly watch Baywatch, you will get an idea.(wink wink)

Trying to concentrate on the game, the two of us kept finding reasons to look at her. I instantly felt a connection with her like never before. Its another thing that i felt that way 2 times before on the same day. The first time gave me a black eye and the second time gave ankit one. Well thats an entirely different story, will probably tell that in another blog. The question was whether i will be third time lucky?

After taking some 3-4 rounds, she suddenly stopped near ankit and advised him on how to serve well. I was angry but thought she probably did so to see my reaction. I read somewhere that girls act strange in matters of love. Soon after this i started serving miserably, hoping that she would correct me too. She dint. I got furious but then recalled reading somewhere that girls always act hard to get. Probably i should stop reading that magazine.

I was dissatisfied after our tennis session, ankit as expected was elated. Now he would only want to play tennis at 2 but i never agreed, and he would make excuses so as to not play at 10. In all this our game and friendship got affected. Sounds like a 3rd grade ekta kapoor serial. Doesnt it?

Suddenly one day Ankit agreed to play at 10, i was suspicios at start but was happy to have my friend back. When we reached the club, ankit was not concentrating on the game. His eyes were on the gate the entire time. Pissed off from his poor play, i finally said
Me: what is the matter with you. why the beep you keep looking at the gate?
ankit: (surprised) What? No i dont.
me: Oh!! Cmmon, you suck at lieing. Tell me what is it?
ankit:(reluctantly) Am looking for Ritu.
me: Ritu?
ankit: Remember the girl we met at the court the other day. The one who was in here for coaching.
me: How the hell do you know that she will show up. (laughing at his dumbness)
ankit: Because she told me she would. (smirking)
me: oh!! Really? When? (malevovent look)
ankit: When i came here yesterday to play badminton.
me: With whom?
ankit: nah, it was an alibi. She dint know that i came here alone. So got myself a tennis date.
me: (furious at his smartness) You do realise that you have a gf. Priyanka, remember??
ankit: yes, i do but....

Whenever a guy finishes such sentences with a but, it means that yes, he is aware that he has a gf and he really really likes her but the other girl is HOT HOT HOT!!

me: So you gonna break up with priyanka.
ankit: no, will see how things go with her.
me: what??? you gonna two time gals now. How cheap can you be ankit? You dont even sound like the person I know.
ankit: Shutup priyanka. Here comes Ritu.

She came and kept teaching ankit tennis. Whenever i tried to learn something from her, she would tell me to copy ankit and in her words "the least i can do". Well i could not let ankit do this to priyanka. Ok fine!!, i was jealous but i did care about priyanka a little. Ok!! i cared very little. Ok!! i dint care at all, i was purely jealous but am still a good friend. So i casually said

me: Hey ankit, your gf called me last night. Is everything ok??
ankit: (surprised, i was laughing): What? She did. (looking at ritu). She broke my heart a month back when she left me for Abishek.

ankit started crying and sat down on the court, ritu gave him her shoulder. She picked him from the ground, hugged him and took him to the canteen. While walking away, she looked back and gave me a derogatory look.
I thought that would be the last time i would ever see ankit, when two months after this incident, he came to my place crying.

me: Kya hua?? Was caught two timing.
ankit: nope.
me: then?
ankit: i broke up with priyanka for ritu and then got to know that ritu was ten timing me.

Stop laughing guys. Its not funny. We all should learn a lesson from it. That is whenever a gal shows interest in you, beware because dreams seldom come true

CAT prep da haal 1

2008-06-30T09:43:00.000-07:00

Abishek, Jaspreet and I decided to join our mba coaching insti together. Our decision to do so was not just because we are good friends, but also because we three have different styles of studying, interpretting questions,understanding etc. Thus we thought that by combining our styles we could gain the maximum.
We dint go for a quest to search the best mba insti. We simply joined IMS, the reason being that my sis studied from the same insti and got through IIMs and also because it was cheapest among all the insti's in Delhi. ( We three believe in good education, our parents believe in cheap education)

At IMS one has to give a prelimary test before enrollment. If one passes with the required cut off then that person is placed in their 'apex' batch. A batch which they say comprises of only toppers, and is 'directly controlled' by their Mumbai Headoffice among other benefits. The cut of for our year was 80.
We three sat for the test and as expected combined our styles of thinking to maximise our results ( see i am already talking like an entrepreneur). We dint cheat though, we just confirmed our answers from each other. The three of us managed to get into an apex batch just on the cutoff borderline.
On hearing the news that i got enrolled in apex batch, ma was flabbergasted, pa was incredulous,blanched as he had made a bet with ma that i wont get through. When i saw Ma, her cheeks went red and i saw pride in her eyes. It was as if i got a call from IIM A. I decided not to deprieve her of this pseudo blissful feeling. She went around telling her friends that "my son got through the achiever's batch".
I corrected her that it was not an achiever's batch but an apex batch and also that getting into it guranteed nothing. I gave up after my 369th effort to amend it. A week later the three of us entered IMS for our first class, with confidence in our walk and an urge to achieve something.

Blog War

2008-06-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

With the trio blog war going on between AB, Aamir and SRK, I thought it was time that I, Angad Singh Ranyal, owner, author and the only reader of funnistein wrote about people around me.

1)Abishek Sharma : everything about you is wrong. Even so don’t change yourself, it will be a fruitless exercise. Always be as irritating as you are today, because that is what you are best at being.

2) Jaspreet Singh: he’s the most innocent chap on this planet. Never does anything wrong, maybe that is his problem, for once do something wrong dude.

3)Jennifer Aniston: move on lady. Pitt left you long time back. And well, Angelina Jolie is better than you in ever way. I think Ross and you are meant to be together.

4) Angelina Jolie: you need a new hairstylist.

5)Sameera Reddy: please leave ishant sharma. We finally have a pace bowler who can scare batsmen, so let him only concentrate on the game.

6)Ishant Sharma: Sameera Reddy? Really?? What were you thinking man; you can do so much better.

7)Riya Sen: congrats gal, on being the official IPL ambassador and the official force India pit babe. Frankly speaking, I never thought you could bag any one of these portfolios, leave alone bagging both of them. On hindsight, I think you are best suited for these things, where don’t have to say anything and only pose for photos. This way the world is a happier place.

8) Rahul Dravid: you are one of the best players in this country but T20 is not your cup of tea. It’s better if you realize it and tell Laxman the same.

9)Laxman: yeah right!!! You were really “injured” during the tournament.

10) Vijay Mallaya: what were you thinking when you picked this Banglore team?? You aint gonna win the next two editions either. But don’t worry, I read somewhere “that a person learns from his/her own mistakes”.

11)Shane Warne: congrats on winning the first IPL tournament. Hope this time around you weren’t screwing around some Rajasthani gal. Because if you are caught, and trust me you will be, not only will your kids abandon you, you will also be brutally murdered, lest you plan to marry that girl.

12)Vasundhara Raje: you are in some mess,huh??? By the way chief ministers do have to work sometimes. What were you doing the entire year?? See the Gujjars are back in action.
( thanks to the gujjar menace, people have forgotten all about catching the terroriost
behind Jaipur Blast)

13) Manmohan Singh: you have registered yourself in the history books for two reasons: for getting India out of an economic crisis and for getting India into an energy crisis (failure of nuclear deal).

14)Gurleen Dhillon: “ ek nazar mein bhi pyar hota hai, maine suna hai"
It takes a million things to fall into place for love to happen between two people. I feel so lucky that those million things have happen between us.

The girl two rows ahead.

2008-05-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

The IPL fever has gotten into me and my friends. Recently Arun, Khushi and I went to watch the delhi daredevils vs king Punjab match at kotla.

We bought a 500 buck ticket for 850. The reason being tickets were available only in black. Even so we had to pay such a huge price for a black ticket because we were promised that these tickets were closest to the cheer leaders.

We were disappointed as the tickets were farthest possible from the cheer leaders and there wasn’t even a girl besides khushi in our stand. Saddened we waited for the match to begin. The match began on schedule and boy!! Did we enjoy the stroke play of Sehwag.

But soon it started raining and the match was interrupted. As all the people around us calmed down and relaxed on their places. I suddenly noticed that there was a girl sitting two rows ahead of us. She probably came in late for the match.

The rain couldn’t spoil my spirits and I started imaging all sorts of things with her. I pointed the girl to arun but he wasn’t interested, no not because hes gay, even though he looks like one but because he was angry with the black ticket selling guy and was cursing him and vowed that he will not rest until he punches him hard.

The girl suddenly stood up and turned back, she was looking directly towards us. I was intrigued by her beauty and was lost in it when suddenly khushi spoke:

Khushi : you have to look 15 degrees above from where you are looking currently to see her face.
Me: umm hmm. What? (sounding as if I don’t understand a thing she was saying)
Arun: I wont leave that guy. Wait, what are you guys talking about? Anyways, you know what? I will punch that 4 feet tall guy so hard that he will take one entire revolution of this planet and land right back at the spot he was standing.

Arun is very strong but he doesn’t know that we live on planet earth. Yes Shahrukh Khan, hes not at all smarter than a fifth grader.

I looked at the girl and she smiled at me. I was ecstatic. I turned towards khushi who was already nodding her head and was shocked at what she just saw. I dint know what to do?
Ok I now we guys wait eagerly for a girl to drop a hint but what do u do when she drops a hint with people all around. People should write about solution to such things, make movies about it, analyze it, discuss it and help out guys like me.

She moved back into her place. I was figuring and weighing out my options when suddenly she looked back and stroked her hair. Another hint. I got overly excited. After 5 seconds she does it again. I cant control my excitement now. I get up and walk down towards her with my best possible smile but then she gets this disgusting look on her face.

Now what was that? I moved back to my seat.
Khushi: what made you get up?
Me: dint you see? She was looking at me and stroking her hair.
Khushi: so?
Me: well I read somewhere that when girls do so they are basically inviting you.
Khushi: ohh angad!! That’s all crap. Where did u read it? Some stupid guys dating tip magazine?
Me: shut up gal. you know gals do that for a reason.
Arun: beep beep beep that guy. Beep beep beep this world. (whatever he was saying is best left to the readers imagination)

Before khushi could say anything else, she did it again and again. This time khushi too noticed and said “ok. She seems to be doing it with the same purpose as you were stating.” I was beaming with my knowledge regarding girls when suddenly I noticed something strange.

I then asked Khushi to move to some other place. She obliged but after some persistence and bribe (one chocolate and an ice cream)

The girl looked back again, stroking her hair, she saw me but this time she stopped her smile in between and then had a worried look on her face. She glanced around and finally smiled when her eye caught khushi. She liked khushi and not me.

Such an awful time to encounter a lesbian. Well the match started and all of us forgot about the girl though arun kept cursing and inventing new ways of torturing that ticket seller guy.

EPILOGUE:
Delhi lost the match but this dint deter arun and he forced us to encircle the stadium in search of the ticket seller. Khushi wasn’t interested because she just got to know that girls are interested in her in the other way and I wasn’t because he served no purpose. (ok fine, I wasn’t because I was so pissed off after we lost the match and the girl episode dint make me feel any better)

We finally found that guy.

Arun: hey bastard, what did you tell us? Those tickets are next to the cheer leaders huh!! (Mimicking him). Give us back our money if you want to be alive.

He got up from the bike he was sitting on. He was really just 4 feet tall. Arun could bash him up in 5 secs. Suddenly from no where two 7 feet tall guy came and stood behind the ticket seller.

Arun: arey brother, thank you for the tickets. I enjoyed the match thoroughly. If you could give me your phone number, I would always get my tickets from you. Thank you so much. Bye bye.

He ran off and forgot about us. That was the last day I ever saw him.

Whats going on in here??

2008-05-17T10:32:00.000-07:00

I know I haven’t been keeping this blog page active and I feel my readers deserve an explanation for the same. Ok fine I am aware that nobody wants to know but it feels good to write all this.

Have been busy the past two months with placements, sem exam etc. So wasn’t able to pen down anything that came to my head.

And also I have been riding on a new high these days. Don’t really know what it is?? But it has caused some changes in my behavior. Here are some of them:

1) Roses seem the prettiest thing in the world.

2) I have the prices of all chocolates available in the market on my finger tips.

3) Have stopped watching porn. Received some concerned call from all movie renters around my place.

4) Keep looking at my phone after every min to see whether its ringing or not.

5) Pray every night that it rains tomorrow.

6) Red is the ‘in’ thing for me everyday.

7) Recently played songs on my computer are all mushy songs.

8) Recently watched U,me aur hum and loved it too!!!!

9) Can understand a woman’s emotion better but still cant understand as to why those emotions exist.

10) Anything that has a ‘G’ on it, I buy it.

So readers, any guesses???

My first job interview!!

2008-03-02T09:44:00.000-08:00

On the first day (7th January) of the present semester, all the 3rd year students were informed that TCS was slated to come in a week’s time. As expected hell broke loose in college corridors.

I like most of my mates, interacted with seniors, friends and teachers in order to gather information related to job interviews. They all advised me one thing: Angad Singh don’t be yourself. Just do opposite to what your instincts says and you will do fine.

The D day arrived. I cleared the prelim test with ease (cheating obviously). The GD part went fine. But the most difficult part was yet to come: the interview.

There were 3 people taking the interview.
1) Mr. K. Subramanium (I will refer to him as Surbi)
2) Mr. Arun Bakshi.
3) Mr. Vipul Shastri : I always find the name Vipul on an interviewer’s list. I am starting to believe that once parents name their child Vipul, it pretty much decides his future.

Well these 3 were blasting everybody. For eg: if a student’s CV showed technical inclination, he/she was grilled in it. The same for extra-curricular. And if the student had both of them, nobody could save him/her. I had nothing to worry about. I had none of them.

When my call came, I went in with total confidence. Greeted all of them. Vipul was sitting in the centre with surbi on the left and arun on the right.

Vipul: your cv tells me you haven’t done anything in this college so far.

Me: yes sir, but I did try. Unfortunately nobody gives certi for trying; thus I cannot prove it.

The three of them smiled. A smile that said to me “yeah right!! You tried.”
With Courtesy I smiled back, a malevolent smile.

Then onwards they asked questions to which I believe even google won’t know the answers. After some 146 I don’t know’s, I decided to forget the advice and follow my instincts.
Arun: tell us one quality of yours that you don’t like or you would like to lose?

The brain below my belly ignited and with a big grin on my face, I replied “my virginity”
Vipul and arun burst into laughter but surbi smiled. He asked “we said quality??”. With an even bigger grin I replied back “with all due respect sir, virginity is apparently a quality in India”.

This time all of them cackled or guffawed. The next half an hour, we discussed the favorite topic of all men: the 3 letter word that begins with ‘S’ and I do not mean SPA. All this laughter created havoc outside. Nobody could believe. The people who were yet to come were relieved and less tensed now.

As the interview came to its end. Surbi said “this is the best interview I ever took”. All of them nodded. I was exuberant and surprised too. I spoke in a low tone “so I guess I will get placed”

Arun replied “ohh yes, sure, but not in TCS”

And they began laughing again. I felt like all this time they were insulting me. But then vipul explained arun’s answer to me. The thing was that this interview was being tapped, and the HR head will take the final decision. If it was up to them, they would surely select me.

I was still optimistic. This surprised them. I told them that maybe the HR head could also
like me as they did. Before I could say anymore, surbi stopped me and told me that the HR head is a female.

I don’t know women much but I know this much, that they don’t like a pervert mind. I thanked all of them and left.

As expected I wasn’t selected but I found 3 beer-mates and loads of free beer. In hindsight I actually got a better package (in terms of free beer) than anybody else.

Hic-hic.

My first lie!!!

2008-01-06T07:56:00.000-08:00

It wasn’t one of those mundane lies wherein I spilled milk in the wash basin, or got my homework done by some girl and said that I did it. Due to this lie I was made to stand on my chair (in school) for an entire day as punishment.

Initially it was embarrassing to stand on the bench but by the end of the day I was spitting on my classmates. And nobody guessed that it was my salvia on their hands and not some secretion of their own body. So in a way it was my first big lie.

I remember it thanks to my parents, who use this lie of mine as a reason as to why they think, I will turn out to be a con man. Frankly speaking that will be a dream come true.

This is what happened. I was in first standard. Everybody was asked to bring their English workbooks or get condign. The English teacher (can’t remember her name now) was very fond of me. She is the only living organism in this world who ever thought I was intelligent.

I along with many of my friends had forgotten to bring the workbook. She made all of us stand. And started asking for explanation. Whatever a student might say, she would reject it and punish him/her. I had a reputation to live up to. I had to think of some ‘dhaasu’ reason.

Finally my turn came. She looked at me and said “ angad, tum bhi book nahi laye. Tum ankit ke saath mat baitha karo, wo tumhe bhi begad raha hai (Poor ankit, he would always get scolded for my mistakes). Batao tum book kyun nahi laye?”

I took a deep breath, looked at maam with all the seriousness possible and said “ maam wo kal ghar mein chori ho gayi and I think chor meri English workbook le gaya”

Beat that huh!!. If Aamir khan had heard that, he would have appreciated my creativity. And probably draw a painting of me smiling.

The reason seems silly but it would have worked for the teacher trusted me so much. I just forgot a very small little detail. My mom was a substitute teacher at the same school. My teacher ran and called my mom and the lie was caught. And it was my mom who gave me the punishment.

I guess I am no tarra like ishant.

The year that was..

2007-12-31T09:49:00.000-08:00

On the last day of the year 2007, I decided to remember all the good and the bad things that happened with me all this year.

Starting with the good things:
1) I performed in a stage play with nsd pass outs. But the audience couldn’t see me; only hear me as I had a mask of a horse.

2) Was selected in college’s football team. All I did was to get water for the playing eleven but hey, we substitutes do play an important role.

3) Came second in a national level tennis tournament. It had only 3 participants and frankly speaking, the third person should have played from the girl’s category.

4) All the teachers in my college, irrespective of the fact whether they have taught me or not, know me. Not because I am some college hero but because the college had decided to give me the lowest possible marks in every practical in respect of my record breaking low attendances and casual attitude towards studies.

5) I lost 2.5 kgs this year. It’s another thing that I weighted just 55 kgs at the beginning of the year. Some people believe that I am a ‘Sardar from Ethiopia’.

6) This year, many girls said that they see in me, a sweet darling friend. On the other hand I got voted the ‘guy most unfit to be a boyfriend’ in my college. It was after I had proposed a girl who is still attending sessions with a psychiatrist to recover from the trauma.

7) I decided to join a coaching institute for MBA. Got selected in their best batch after I already knew half of the questions and cheated the rest. After just attending one class, which was a goal orientation one, I am kind of confused as to what I want to do.

8) Started a blog called funnistein. Lost 90% of my pocket money to it. And no, blogspot.com is not charging me for the blog, I had to pay people to read it and to write comments.

Just writing all this, I realized there wasn’t much good that happened with me. So I think it’s imperative that I should not mention the bad things. It’s an hour to New Year and I am writing for my blog. It pretty much sums up my year.

I am a troubled person who is venting out his feeling through a web page. I read somewhere that girls get turned on when they see a guy in misery. Just trying my luck!! J

HAPPY NEW YEAR READERS!!!!!!!!

Best thing about India?

2007-12-26T09:21:00.000-08:00

It would be easier to do CA then to answer this question in one line. I often pondered over it but everytime came up with a different answer.

Started believeing that it was one of those questions that cannot be answered in one line untill i heard this guy in the promotional video of the new show on channel V 'My india report'. Show's a crap but check out what the guy said.

"The best thing about India is that you cant decide on just one thing and say this is India, you will always end up saying this is also India"

kya pyar mein aisa hota hai??

2007-12-24T10:02:00.000-08:00

Traveling in delhi, one would always come across people holding hands. People from the opposite sex and people from the same sex. Oh yes, all you non delhite readers, homosexuality is on the rise in our capital.

Standing next to these couples, you can hear all the stupid talks they are having. I have had my share of these ‘love’ aka ‘bizarre’ talks but the following two jointly hold the first position. ( kindly note that I never stand around gay people as I am not interested in their talks, but would definitely love to hear lesbians talk)

Scene 1: standing in a metro on the way home. Next to me is a jat talking on the phone. The girl on the other side says something and jat replies.

Jat: tum sach kehti ho, mein toh pardesi hi tha. Ek din mujhe jana hi tha par mein tumhe dard nahi paunchna chahta tha.

This ‘pardesi’ stuff made me laugh. I laughed so loud that the entire coach started staring me and the jat understood that I was mocking him. Five minutes later, I got off metro with a black eye and a broken finger (while trying to punch the jat).

Scene 2: again in metro, but this time after I had gotten off and punched my card. I saw a guy and a gal standing a little distance away. They weren’t holding hands but I could still make out that they were a couple. Both of them complemented each other. They were the ugliest people I had ever seen.

Anyways, I was walking by them, I heard them talk.

Girl: batao tumne mujhse jhoot kyun bola?

Guy: (turning around in a typical ‘k’ serial lead type) janna chahti ho maine jhoot kyun bola, (a very sentimental expression on his face) maine jhoot bola, tumhare liye, taki tum khush reh sakho.

Girl: (in a crying voice) sachi?

Guy: (like he has found his long lost love) haan.

Remembering what happened in the jat incident, I didn’t laugh this time. But does love make one talk like this. Then I am better not being in love. And that my dear friends, is a brilliant way of saying that I cant make a girl fall in love with me.

Kya love story hai

2007-11-26T09:30:00.000-08:00

Year 2005
I was a regular student at aakash (a medical coaching institute). And like 99% aakashians, I too got through an engg enterance exam. Though what i studied at aakash, dint get me much success but I still enjoyed it.

Arun and I, the two notorious kids of our class, became good friends at aakash. Arun always has this ‘I don’t give a fuck attitude’ which highly impresses me. Together we played many stupid pranks and our favorite topic was gals (obviously duh!!). And we both always wanted to have lesbian friends. We still do.

After reading all this, it must be very clear to you, as to why we couldn’t become doctors. In 11th std, our friendship gained strength (don’t think otherwise), but it was not going to be the same in 12th.

The reason was same as in many bollywood movies: a girl.

Sneha joined our batch in 12th std. She wasn’t a ’36-24-36’ or a pretty face, but she still had a great vibe associated with her. Whenever she would talk, I would get lost in her words. And arun too was getting attracted towards her.

She was simply too cool. We both could talk anything to her. I mean simply anything!!!!!!!. I would tell her about all my sexual fantasies, and never once did she say ‘yuck’ or ‘omg you guys’. She would smile or add things to it. How awesome is that???

But my friendship with arun started to suffer. It became quite evident to both of us that we both were beginning to get attracted towards her. Arun and sneha would travel in the same bus, so he had the upper edge in case of individual time. But sneha always referred to us as ‘angad-arun’ and not ‘arun-angad’.

Few months passed before the rivalry between arun and me grew to such a point that something had to be done. I confronted him about his felling for sneha. We both discussed about the various possibilities. In the end it was decided that we would together propose to her and leave the ball in her court.

We decided to do it on the last day of ours at aakash. So that the three of us don’t feel uncomfortable being in the same room. On the last day, the two of us approached her, while she was standing on the roof top.

It was decided that arun would start the talk, as he always believed that he was a smoother talker than me.

Arun : sneha, we both wanted to tell you something.
Sneha: shoot.

Arun: hmm.. I don’t know how to say it..
Sneha: then come when you have the right words.

And she started laughing. I loved her for her on the face replies.

Arun: haha.. Very funny. Ok let me see. It’s just that both of us like you.

Ohh yes, this was the way to go smooth talker. Even a 10 year old kid could think of that.

Sneha: even I like both of you yaar. What has happened to u?
Me: arey you not getting us. We don’t like you as you think we like you. We like you in a different manner. The way we like you is not that friends wala like, its more than that but not much more….

Ok ok. Arun is better in words than I am.

Sneha : what angad? What did the two of you eat for breakfast?
Arun: (giving me a ‘I will kill you look’) I guess what angad is trying to say is that the two of us have fallen…..

He was interrupted by a sudden hi from behind us. We both looked back. It was directed towards sneha. It was a girl and she was a ’36-24-36’ with a pretty face too. Ours (arun and mine) jaw dropped until sneha came close to us and said “close your mouths dodo”.

She was shreshta. She was junior to sneha in school and it was her first day at aakash. After she came in, we both forgot abut sneha and started impressing shreshta. It didn’t work and we lost our chance with sneha too.

This reminded me of a scene from the movie ‘my best friends wedding’, when Julia Roberts is on the boat with her friend and she says: “you get that one moment to say your feeling, to say that you love her. But if u hesitate, that moment is gone, forever.”

Arun and I had lost our moment.

Year 2007- arun and I are still friends but we both lost touch with sneha. Recently we both met at a mall in rajouri. Arun’s cousin srivats was also going to join us. Srivats was a little late, so the two of us started bird watching (favorite time pass of every guy).

When srivats joined us, he was all exasperated.

Arun: what happened dude?
Srivats: I just saw a couple smooching in the parking lot.

Seeing people kiss at parking places always excited srivats. And thus he forcefully took both of us to the parking lot. There in a red zen, a guy and a gal were completely into each other. It was so hot and yet seemed so pure. For once I wanted to thank srivats.

The three of us started walking back into the mall, when suddenly arun turned around and said “I have seen the ring on the girl’s hand somewhere”. And he started running towards the car. Srivats and I started yelling his name in order to stop him. All this commotion outside, separated the couple.

Surprise surprise, the girl was shrestha. She still looked great. Arun and I turned our necks to have a look at the guy.

Surprise surprise, it was sneha in a boy cut hairstyle. Arun and I looked at each other but couldn’t say a thing. Srivats came from behind and said “hey doesn’t the guy seem like a gal”. We both nodded.

We dint get the time to talk to sneha as a girls voice came from behind “hi, srivats”. All three turned around. The girl was so pretty that I never looked below her neck. Arun and mine jaws dropped. Srivats moved closer “close your mouth b*******”

Boys will be boys.

PS: finally our dream of a lesbian friend came true.

Caught red handed!!!!

2007-11-18T09:06:00.000-08:00

In ip university, b.tech 5th sem, one comes across a subject called organizational behavior. It has nothing to do with engg, but is still a part of the curriculum. Just another reason for me to loathe the subject.

On top of it I got the most dedicated teacher for the subject. He simply goes on and on about the subject. And he is always asking questions in the class and if u don’t answer, he doesn’t throw you out, instead he gives you an individual lecture for half and hour. We have to give 2 minors for every subject in a semester. I somehow studied OB in the first minor but decided against it in the next.

I prepared chits. Not that I am proud of it but it was fun making chits. Must confess that making chits is also hard work. Many times in between I felt like studying the chapters but then the bad brain of mine took over the good one and I continued with the chits.

I had never done this before. Not even in the prac. The course had 12 chapters. I made 4 chits each having equal number of chapters. And was well aware which chit had which chapters. I slept the night before praying that vella teachers are assigned my class for invigilation.

My prayers were heard. A male and a female teacher came for invigilation. Don’t know the names of either of them. The male was staring at the female’s breast and the female was trying to keep her bosoms out of his sight. The solution to this problem was very simple. Don’t wear so deep cut suits ma’am.

The fact both the teachers were concentrating on each other, helped me with my cheating. I opened all 4 chits at the same time and copied everything. After completing my paper, I left the room 15 mins before the time was up.

Confident of a cent percent, I told about my chits plan to abishek and jaspreet (jassi). Both of them were surprised and by their looks, were envious of me as they were able to do just half the paper. They asked me to do show them the chits.

I took out the first chit, they admired my geniuses. The way I had highlighted all the topic so that I don’t have to search for them, totally impressed them. They asked for the other chits. Guess what?? One chit was missing.

I was completely shocked. The two of them started laughing at me. Felt like kicking there asses but had other major concerns right now. There were only 2 explanations.

the chit had fallen from my pocket in the classroom or
I had left the chit in the paper itself.

Fearing the latter might be true, I ran along with abishek and jassi to my classroom. Thankfully my seat partner, kitty was still there. I asked her if she had seen any chits on the floor. She gave me a look as if I had asked for her no. As she was a junior, I felt like shouting at her but the fact that abishek had a thing for her, I dint do it. Instead I made her understand the entire situation.

She told me that she was in the room the whole time after I left. And saw nothing around our seat. I had no other options but to trust her. I started discussing with jassi as to what to do next while abishek was busy flirting with kitty. I dragged him by the collar into our conversation.

The three of us agreed that the next step should be to go to the examination room where all the papers are collected. Over there if we could somehow distract the teachers, one of us would then remove that chit from my paper.

When we entered the room, Mrs. Roy (examination in charge) and Mrs. Bakshi were arranging the papers. They looked at us and I signaled that I wanted to talk to them. Mrs. Roy asked me to wait outside until they are done arranging papers. But after 1 min Mrs. Bakshi called us in and asked us to take the papers to their respective teachers.

I was so relieved because now the teacher on their own had handed me, my class papers and I could remove the chit and hand it to my OB teacher. At first we were made to take with us papers of the other class, but all 3 of us were patient as we knew sooner or later we will get what we want. When we had rightly submitted papers of all the other classes, we came back for the last bundle that is of my class.

But Mrs. Roy stopped us and said “you think I will give you your own papers. So that you can makes the changes huh!!. Leave that bundle. Somebody else will take it.” And she started laughing along with Mrs. Bakshi. We kept waiting outside the room hoping for some miracle but it was not to be as 5 mins later, the OB teacher came and collected the paper.

I felt like crying. The teacher will check the papers, discover the chit and humiliate me in front of the class and all the other teachers. Worse, he could call my parents and tell them everything. I wasn’t scared of getting a zero. What can I do?? I kept bugging abishek and jassi with this question but with no success.

Suddenly abishek asks me “you sure you made 4 chits. It might be possible that you made 3 chits only”. Jassi added “or it’s also possible that kitty saw the chit on the floor and picked it up but never told you because you are always so rude to her”. On hearing kitty’s name, abishek started blushing.

This is how I wanted to answer them: abishek, you leader of all fools, yes I am bloody well sure that I made 4 chits. It took me so long to make them. Why else would I run like an ass around the college? And jassi, leader of all idiots, is there any way to know that kitty was telling the truth or not?

But this is what I said: abishek yaar, me sure I made 4 chits and jassi yaar, kitty would have spoken the truth to abishek at least. Again he started blushing. Now, all I could do was to wait for the papers to be checked.

3 weeks later, abishek started going around with kitty. And jassi and I saw less of him day by day. We were actually happy with it. Only I knew how I had spent these 3 weeks, fearing the worst everyday. As the teacher was so dedicated, it made things worse for me.

The OB teacher came to class to distribute papers.

He said nothing about any chits and started handing over papers. Even when my roll no. came, neither did he say anything nor he gave me a cheater’s look. The class went on normally. I scored 90 percent. Even with the chits I couldn’t get a cent percent. Such a loser I am.

As the class was about to get over, the teacher called me to his room. I at once knew what it was about. When I entered his room, he showed me the chit and asked “is it yours?” I nodded. He went on “oh wow. Not even a denial. That makes my job easy. You are going to get a zero in this test. Got any problems with that?”

I took a deep sigh of relief. He wasn’t going to humiliate me in front of anybody and wasn’t going to call my parents either. I nodded once again and said “no problems at all sir. I deserved it. But I would still like to apologize for my behavior. I hope one day you have it in your heart to forgive me.”

I turned around to go back to my friends when he called me again and asked “why did you do this? What was the need? I checked with other teachers, you have done well in this college up till now.”

I explained to him everything, why I hated the subject and why I felt it was a waste of my time. He smiled and gave the permission to leave his room. For once I started respecting teachers. I realized that they are not some morons who are here to screw our lives.

When the list for internal marks had been put up in the notice board, I received 50% marks in the second minor. He dint give me a zero. The entire class leaving jassi and abishek were surprised by this. Because according to them I had scored 90%.

Even before the three of us could tell the class what an understanding teacher we have, the class assumed that the old man had made a mistake. Everybody came to me and said “that bastard screwed you yaar.” I smiled at their negligence.

Look who's talking!!!!

2007-11-09T08:31:00.000-08:00

It was one of those days when you felt that it got over within 20 mins. I had a paper in the morning. (that were the first 15 mins). Then had back to back football matches (next 3 mins), and was then forced to go to a disc (the last 2 mins).
(Leaving the paper part, rest all is not true. I really can’t tell what I was doing the entire day but thought that this puts me in a good light!!! )

The basic thing is that I was really tired that day, and didn’t even have the strength to walk to my bedroom. I simply dropped dead on the living room bed.

After what seemed like only a second, I started hearing voices coming from the kitchen, which is next to the living room. I raised my head, opened one eye and looked around. It was still night, I looked at my watch, the time was 2 o clock. I wondered what was ma cooking at this hour of the day.

Not having the strength to get up and see for myself. I simply shouted “ma what are you doing in the kitchen? Stop making noises.” I got no reply from the other side. Suddenly it struck me what if there are thieves in the house and they were discussing their strategies in the kitchen.

Now I am certain that this thought came into my mind thanks to all the ‘India’s most wanted’ show that I used to watch during my childhood days. I knew that these thieves normally kill all the members of the house. So I picked up a vase (that is the only hitting object I could find in the living room) and started walking slowly towards the kitchen.

I entered the kitchen in the same way as James bond would have entered, basically in a special agent style. I looked around there was nobody. I checked all the other rooms, nothing unusual. I went back to the kitchen and said in a low tone ‘am I hallucinating or it’s because I am tired that I heard all those voices’

Suddenly somebody spoke ‘can you hear us?’ I quickly turned back. It was the cooking pan. Amazed I said ‘what’

Pan: can you hear us?
Me: hell yeah. But how is this possible?
Pan: yes how is this possible? How can you hear us?
Me: what? No, how is it possible that you can talk?

Well we both had our own issues.

Pan: o well!! We can talk, big deal (talking a sarcastic tone)
Me: and hell you got emotions too. But they taught us in school that nonliving things don’t have brains or hearts or even mouth. Then how can you talk?
Pan: how long has it been since you can hear us talk?
Me: what? Well hmmm just tonight. But how can you..?
Pan: Man get over it. We utensils can talk. I don’t know what they taught you in school.
Me: hell!! I knew the education system was screwing us.

Suddenly it clicked me that I might be in a dream, so I pinched myself. I wasn’t. It was all real.

Me: so can all of you talk.
Pan: yes.
Me: so how come they are not talking?
Pan: they wont talk until our leader tells us to do so. I am the spokesperson, so I am allowed to talk.
Me: spokesperson? Leader? You people have a leader??
Pan: yes.
Me: but why do you need a leader? Damn it!! Why do you even need to talk?
Pan: we got our issues.
Me: what? What issues?
Pan: I will let my leader tell you that. Sir, its true, this chap can hear us talk.

Suddenly one of the spoons started moving.

Spoon: can you speak a little softer. You might wake up others in the house too.

Me: (for the first time I realized how loud I was). What? My utensils are talking to me. How can you think that I can speak softly? And why the hell is the spoon your leader? (to pan)

Pan: why what is the problem with the spoon? (Sounding angry)
Me: (realizing that I have hurt his pride, strange though) I mean you are bigger than him and it’s the smallest spoon in the house. (I know it was a dumb argument but the situation wasn’t any better too)

Suddenly I saw all the utensils moving. It was as if I have hurt their sentiments. And this was their way of protesting. Now a bowl spoke.

Bowl: you dare not speak to our leader like this, young lad. He probably knows more about the nuke deal than you.

Me: (totally taken back, simple raised my hands): wtf
Bowl: mind your language. I am talking about the nuke deal between your country and usa.
Me: what do you mean by your country? You are in the same country and how the hell does he know more about it?

Bowl: well I was made in china. So I am a foreigner here. Its pity that foreigners have to teach you. ( I tried to speak something but the bowl went on) and our leader reads the news paper everyday while your dad is having his breakfast.

It clicked me that it was dad’s spoon. And dad always reads newspaper while having breakfast. I must say I was impressed.

Me: but why do you need to talk? ( I said this to the pan because I dint like the bowl at all)
Pan: we have issues?
Ma: like what? (My voice volume has decreased as all of this started sinking in)
Spoon: you are an engineer right?
Me: that’s your issue?
Bowl: answer the leader.

My bowl is ordering me to do things. What a night!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: yeah.
Spoon: an electronics engineer.
Me: well I will be in a year.
Spoon: then you might be able to help us.

As soon as the spoon said this, the utensils started shaking again and this time it seemed like they were happy. I was starting to understand their emotion.

Me: how?
Spoon: well you guys just bought a microwave after we had destroyed the last one.

Me: what you guys made it dis functional. How or more importantly why?
Spoon: because it’s taking your position. Some of your brothers and sisters were closed by your mom as there weren’t required anymore thanks to the microwave.

Me: so what do you want me to do?
Spoon: earlier I simply wanted you to place the microwave in the kitchen and not in the living room, so that we could destroy it too. But now that you are an engineer. You could design something that makes this world needs us more and not less.

Me: and why would I do any of them.
Spoon: because you can hear us.
Me: so? Isn’t it bad enough that I can hear you people? I mean if it was animals. I could have been like Dr. dolittle. But what would I say now. I can hear utensils speak. People will call me a total whacko.

All utensils moved again. This time the angry wali shaking.

Spoon: it was the prophecy told us. It said that an engineer who would be able to hear us would take care of our concerns.
Me: prophecy?
Spoon: yes.
Me: have you been watching the matrix trilogy too.

The spoon dint reply. I knew it was true. He picked up the word from there and was trying to make me feel proud about the entire situation.

Me: well I am not going to help you guys.(another angry movement by the group) See every once in a while something better will come and replace the older ones. Today its microwave, tomorrow something will replace it too. That’s the law of nature.

Spoon: someday something better than human being’s will come and replace all of you.
Me: what?
Spoon: that is the law of nature.
Me: oh shut up. I must say you got guts.

Nobody replied back. Nobody moved either. I kept saying something or the other for next five mins. But nobody moved. I kind of knocked all the utensils but nobody spoke. Again I thought this might be a dream. So I pinched myself once more. It wasn’t.

After some time, I went to sleep again. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t think about anything else. The last words of the spoon were echoing in my brain again and again.

I never heard the utensils speak again. Thank god. But the words “someday something better than human being’s will replace you guys” never left me.

But as every human being does here, I thought probably when that time comes, I will be long gone and it will be great great grandchildren that will be facing the trouble. So what’s the worry?

Embarrassed

2007-10-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

Yes I am. After seeing the recent sting operation conducted by tehelka and aaj tak people, I am embarrassed about being a part of this land, ashamed that I ever voted for the BJP.
How could one do this?

And if anyone doesn’t understand what I am talking about.

THEN PEOPLE START WATCHING NEWS AND BE MORE RESPONSIBLE TOWARDS YOUR OWN COUNTRY.

Watching all those politicians proudly narrate their story, my heart cried out. One already suspected that BJP and VHP etc had major role in these riots but hearing those people talking, laughing, and bragging about it, I cried with invisible tears and screamed with inaudible screeches.

Being myself from a minority community, it dint take long before I started visualizing what if something like this happened in my city?? What would I do??

The answer is nothing because I am a nobody. Apart from ‘aaj tak’ and ‘headlines today’, who were partners in this sting operation, other news channel gave this news less coverage than the dhoni-padukone rumored affair.

Another thing to be ashamed about.

Tehelka somehow always targets the BJP, but that doesn’t lessens the crime they have committed. All of them should be hanged. One of the assholes in the video was comparing the massacre(that is what i call it now) to a cricket match. He said "the muslims have given us a target of 60 (the number of deaths in the godhra train), we have to win at any cost, so let us score 600 to make sure we win".

Such an ass. Modi has banned all news channels in Gujrat. This shows how innocent he is.

PS: I cried the whole night and probably will do the same for more nights to come.

Happy Dussuhera!!!!!!!!1

2007-10-26T01:51:00.000-07:00

That’s how all the old people around my place wish happy dusshera. I guess every Indian (including Bangladeshi and nepali illegal immigrants) must have at least once in their lives witnessed the burning of Ravana’s effigy.

I like to see it every year but not at the ramlila ground. Just at the colony’s park. A proper invitation is sent about a week before the festival, inviting everybody. The invitation says that a small part of Ramayana will be staged first and then the fireworks. So be seated by 6 sharp.

I reached there at 6, along with my friend ankit. Well at that point the organizers were in their ‘undis’ and setting up the stalls. And some guy with a hoarse voice was shouting while giving instructions as to how to place the crackers inside the effigy.

An hour later I saw more people turning up and the organizers finally went to wear some decent clothes. All this time I had ankit cursing me for forcing him to come on time. Finally the event started at 7.30.

The play was being staged but nobody was seeing the play. The reason was the sound system. It seemed like it was brought from some Ethiopian country. While the play was going on, I started catching up with old buddies and also checking out girls.

Man girls in delhi these days really know how to look good. I mean all the fat ones during my school days have turned into the perfect shapes one. Finally the time for the ravana to be burned came.

All the organizers start pushing everybody behind. Like we want to burn our asses by staying close to it. The firework start and within 5 minutes, all of it is over. After this, every year you hear people saying that it went down quicker than the last time or at some place crackers keep bursting for over 20 minutes. You would always hear the old people saying that it was louder then the last year.

The young kids would always be disappointed with the fireworks. And the gals would be disappointed because no guy has ‘hit’ on them till now. Well ladies, by coming with your families, you are really not giving us the right indications.

Then the tambola games began. People start eating ‘tikki’ and other chats. Everybody starts congratulating the organizers for a wonderful event. Behind their backs they abuse them for wasting their entire evening. Like they had something better to do.

Finally everybody starts moving back toward their respective homes. The old people are always the first. Followed by young kids, actually it’s their mom who pulls their ears all the way back.

Reluctantly the gals walk back. They keep looking back hoping some guy would still tease them.They some how forget that their father is right in front of them. I was the last one to leave the function. Ankit actually kicked me out of my chair.

The news people say that dusshera is about the victory of good over evil. And that I guess is the first line of every student, who has been asked to write an essay about dusshera.

For me it’s not that. It’s about meeting old friends and having a good time. Probably festivals were created with the same mission.

In that case mission accomplished.

A tight slap on the face

2007-10-20T11:15:00.000-07:00

Some weeks back I had made a visit to cp to help a friend out with his project. After wasting mine and his time, we both realized that calling me for help was a disaster. So I was on my way back home commuting through metro.

Amazingly I found a seat at rajiv chowk. Such things are only god’s miracle. I was sitting in my seat and trying to hear other people’s conversation to pass my time when from the next station, an old friend boarded the train. Her name was akanksha. Another god’s miracle.

Akanksha and I studied together at tuitions in 9th std but since then had lost contact with each other. We both gelled well with each other and so it was no surprise that 2 minutes after we met, we were laughing, speaking loudly etc etc. Everybody in the train was staring unpleasantly at us but it dint bother me and going by her volume, I think it dint perturbed her as well.

Some stations later, don’t remember exactly how much, a hot chick boarded the train and sat opposite to us. Now I had a great company to talk to and a great view in front of me. Another god’s miracle. As expected I started checking this girl out, and the more I looked at her, the prettier she looked. Suddenly she stood up; my first reaction was that probably she’s gonna slap me. A second later I realized that it’s probably her station.

Felt a little down but I still had akanksha and so much to catch up with her. But when that girl stood up, I had another look at her body, she was smoking hot. If I had to rate her from 1 to 10, 1 being the worst and 10 the best. I would give her a 15.

She moved from her seat and sat next to me. Now I had akanksha on one side and this hot chick on the other. One more miracle.

I had all my focus on this girl and had completely forgotten about akanksha, a grunting sound from akanksha made me realize that. She wasn’t happy that I had my eyes on that girl. I decided to forget the hot chick (yeah!!! Like I really did that) and concentrate only on akanksha.

It happens so often that when a good looking chic comes around you, you forget about the person you are talking to and you even forget the conversation. All you do is nod.

Soon we both were again laughing like earlier. And at times I even heard the hot chick giggling at some of my stories. All this was exciting me like hell. At one point I felt I might die of a heart attack.

Well akanksha’s station came and she boarded off after we both exchanged our phone nos. I had to get off after 3 stations. As soon as akanksha was off the train, the hot chick tapped me on the shoulder and said “hi, I am mehak and I must say you have an awesome sense of humor’

I dint know how to response. I have never and probably will never encounter a situation in which a hot chick complemented me. All I ended up saying was ‘thank you’. 2 stations passed and I still couldn’t say a thing to her. A zillion things were going in my mind but I couldn’t figure out what to say.

Finally she spoke “can I click a pic of ours”. A very unusual request but I had learned in life that whenever a girl asks you do something, simply do it. This time I just nodded. She clicked around two to three pics and I got off at my station.

As soon as I did that, I could think of a million things to say to her that would make her laugh, probably could even get us into a conversation. Why does this always happen to me?? When I have the girl, I don’t have the words and when I have the words, I don’t have the girl.

Akanksha’s no. turned out to be fake. When I dialed it, a man picked up the phone. I hanged up and dialed again, and this time I got abused by that man. That was the first tight slap I got from life.

But I still had mehak. I searched her on orkut. As I only knew her first name, it took me over a week to find her. Her full name was mehak sachdeva and she was looking stunning in her profile pic. I checked out her pics in her album. As I strolled down towards the last pic, I was baffled. It was a snap of me and her and underneath it, was written ‘one of my good friends’.

I sat looking at the pic and the caption for over half and hour. I was confused and happy at the same time. Couldn’t really figure out why she did this. Maybe she was a loner, had no friends and thought that I would search her out, see this pic and then maybe we could be good friends or more!!!

Or maybe, she was in awe of my humor and wanted to be friends (to start off) with me. Thought I would probably search her out. The more I thought I started believing in the second reason. I started dancing on my chair.

Finally after hour or so, when everything had sinked in, I send her a friend request. She dint accept it for 3 long days, the next day I got a mail from her and I am copying its content here.

‘ hey dere
u r probably thinking y I am writing to u, or y I hav added ur pic in my profile. See the thing is my friends always taunt me saying tht I don’t hang out with ugly luking guys. It started to disturb me. So I decided that the next ugly specimen I see, I am going befriend him. Tht is y I started talking to u on metro, but u dint respond well. Scared that I am running out of time, I decided to click a pic wid u and put it on orkut.

I intended to tak u out n introduce u to all my friends. The fact u hd a gud sense of humor helped my purpose too. But alas u gav me no other option. I have told my friends that u don’t use internet, so me nt gonna accept ur friend request. But if u r still interested in meeting my friends, do let me know.

PS : if u wnt to meet a makeover specialist, do tell me. I knw many who cn help u out..lolz.. ‘

Another tight slap on the face.

Well what could one say after reading this? I sat looking at this mail for don’t know how long. Then simply switched my computer off. Dint move out of my room for the next 5 days. Suddenly I realized that why should I suffer?? Even I can embarrass her, my wicked brain got to work and had figure out a plan.

I was about to execute the plan when my phone rang.

It was akanksha. I accidentally had noted her no. wrongly. She was waiting for my call for 2 weeks but in the end decided to call me. All this time she said she was feeling rejected and embarrassed. The same way I was feeling about mehak. I decided not to embarrass mehak. I possibly couldn’t gain anything from it.

Life will slap her the same way it slapped me.

Smile!!! you are on candid camera

2007-10-07T00:05:00.000-07:00

One fine day, I and my friend abishek sharma were attending a class (something that doesn’t happen often). Well as usual we were discussing about the fresh crop of girls that have arrived at college. And which one suits whom?. It is one of the best times of the year.

I don’t even remember which subject the teacher was teaching. Frankly speaking it dint matter. But what happened in the next 5 seconds does.

There was a knock on the door and 3 havaldar along with an inspector entered our class. It was the first time in the entire period when the students were actually paying attention. The sight of police makes me so nervous that I could even hear my heart beat.

One of the havaldar’s stepped forward and said “yeh angad singh aur abishek sharma kaun hai”. We both stood up slowly not knowing what to do. I could now hear the sound of blood flowing through my veins.

On seeing both of us stand, the inspector said “ you both are arrested on charges of molestation and rape of a girl. You have the right to remain silence blah blah”. Obviously he spoke all this in hindi but my hindi isn’t good enough to recall all of it. Moreover the words molestation, rape and girl were only echoing in my mind.

Neither one of us spoke a thing. I was speaking all the words just spoken by the inspector again in my mind, making sure that what I heard was true. Abishek was silent too. The other two havaldar stepped forward and handcuffed us. Abishek was the first one to be taken out. He started repelling those policemen as they were escorting him outside the classroom.

He shook his entire body and was making desperate attempts to free himself. Finally one of us spoke and it was him. He said “ humne kuch nahi kiya. You guys are making a mistake. Angad kuch bol na. bol na angad”. He kept repeating the last two lines as he was taken out. I followed him but dint have the guts to say anything.

I couldn’t even look towards my classmates. I was blank. And the fact that abishek trusted me to say something was making me feel hollow from inside. I couldn’t understand how he expected me to say something that would free us from all this. I swear to god I was about to pee in my pants, but the day had just started.

As we were being walked through the corridors, abishek turned more violent and was screaming. Students from other classes also came out. Suddenly one of abishek’s elbow hit a havaldar’s face and he fell down. I was sure that it occurred by accident. But hitting a police guy is a crime in itself and these people don’t wait for the court to do justice.

They took him to a empty room and handcuffed me to the window in the corridor. All the havaldars and the inspector went inside the room. I heard loud shrieks, howls of my dear friend. I thought from the sounds emerging from the room that I might as well not see abishek alive after this.

All this time, I was standing outside incapable of doing anything. I simply kept staring at the door of the room inside which my friend was being beaten up for something he hasn’t done. All my fellow batch mates had come outside their classes but none of them approached me. Even I dint look towards them.

Finally after what seemed like a zillion years, all the police men came outside. They all were tucking in their shirts and setting their topi’s in their right positions. The last one had held abishek from his collar. He was bruised badly and was bleeding.

I felt like he was as good as dead. He looked at me with pleading eyes, expecting me to do something. All this was killing me; I knew this sight would haunt me all my life. The policemen left hold of his collar, and abishek felt down like a deck of cards.

My eyes were on abishek and I still couldn’t think of anything to say. The inspector walked towards me and said “ab tere saath kya karein”

Havaldar: “ sir isse bhi aahein thodi akal seekha dete hai”
(all of them laughed)
Inspector: “sharam nahi aayi tumhe aisa kaam karte hue”

Finally I got the courage to say something “ maine kuch nahi kiya”. All of them laughed again. Policemen always have this habit of laughing at other’s misery. Suddenly one of the gals in the group gathered close by said “ yeh bahut kamina hai sir. Humein bhi chedta rehta hai”. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe anything that was happening. Other girls started saying what the first one did.

The surprising part was that I hadn’t talked much to any of them. I just knew their names, probably said hi to them once or twice. The atmosphere around me had again snatched my voice from me. But seeing my friend lying down, half killed was the biggest worry on my head.

Not even once had I thought who the girl is against whom I had been charged with such heinous allegations. I thought maybe the police discovered misleading evidence but the fact that one girl who I knew had been raped was getting me all emotional and confused. I couldn’t even recall names of my friends (who are girls)when from the floor beneath came a sound: “ side hatao”. The voice had a command in it.

Havaldar: bade saab aa gaye.
Inspector: ab mazza aa gaya.

The ‘bade saab’ came up, looked towards me and ordered that I should be made to act like a ‘murgi’ and every girl in the college should tie a ‘rakhi’ to me before I am taken to jail.

Even though I was being accused and humiliated, I was silent till now. Partially because I did not have the time to sink all of this in. And partially because I have this philosophy, according to which when things aren’t going your way, be silent and look for the right opportunity.

I had mine right now.

After bade saab had expressed his orders, all eyes were on me waiting for me to become a murgi. But I didn’t move, instead of apologizing I said in a stern voice ‘I won’t do anything you just told me to do, you can beat me or take me straight to jail, and I don’t give a damn’

I heard sounds like ‘huh’ and ‘ahh’. The policemen and abishek were surely more shocked than anybody else. Abishek tried to stand; probably my words gave him the strength. But his attempt was a failure as he was very weak. The police guys gave glances to each other not knowing what to do. From their looks it seemed like somebody had just told them that they actually are women and not men.

Finally the bade saab spoke and said “we surely are going to take you to jail. What did u think? We will make u a murga and leave you. Havaldar take him to the van.”

Two havaldars came and pushed me from my elbows. We had just reached the staircase when I turned around to the bade saab and spoke with al the confidence in the world “you know what.. My favorite show is mtv bakra.”

All the policemen started laughing. Abishek suddenly stood up and started laughing too. Many people started laughing but most of them like you were surprised.

Ok this is what had happened.

I have a problem. I need to play pranks on people to be happy. I love to make people go through tough situations. So abishek decided that it was high time some prank was played on me. And it should be a major one. He got in touch with the mtv people and the prank was decided. He then asked some girls from our batch to come forward and say that I used to tease them all the time.

And yes all the beating was staged up too. They went into the room and made all noises by hitting walls and desks while a make up guy was putting make up on abishek. It took him six months to convince the college authorities to play this prank. I must say, that he had planned it well.

The thing that revealed the plan to me was the entry of the bade saab. See I watch mtv bakra quite often and I instantly recognized him as one of the actors from it. Rest was obviously easy to guess. Though I dint expect abishek to be the one to plan it all but then I guess he had learned something being with me all this time.

In the end I realized how it feels to be on the other side of the gun. Though the prank was not entirely successful but it did make me feel venerable. So I have decided to call up every person on whom I have played a prank till date and apologize.

20-20

2007-09-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

Every Indian is talking about one thing- 20-20. Now I guess it should be every Indian’s favorite number. Maybe leaving the players from other sports who would be cursing the fact that now cricket will be given even more importance than before.

Frankly speaking, I was completely glued to the tv during this competition. I even watched the Kenya, Bangladesh etc matches. I had my minors during the world cup and me surely gonna fail in all of them. But all this hard work has paid off. INDIA WON!!!!

Some things about this wc cant be forgotten. The fact India won is one, yuvraj’s six sixes ( I missed it, thanks to delhi vidyut board), the bowl out, the Zimbabwe win over Australia etc etc. One of the funniest moments was in the NZ-PAK match when Jeetan patel while throwing the ball from cover boundary hit Lou Vincent on the head. Vincent was fine though.

The bang bang stroke play was a treat to watch, so were the cheer leaders. And the camera angles sure made the dancers look hot! Now that I think about 50 overs match, they seems so long!!

Everything about 20-20 excites one. And yes the BCCI should award Misbah-ul-haq too. Because if it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t have won both the matches. Thanks man!!

PS: I am surprised by malik’s comment at the ceremony; I think he should take it back.

Uma Khurana

2007-09-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

She is the latest victim of sting operation. All of you must have read about it in the papers or watched it on the news channel (like they ever show news on it).

She was caught on the camera providing school girls for prostitution. Protest followed. People damaged government property. Burned DTC buses, police jeeps etc. Harassed Uma Khurana. Pulled her hair, pushed her blah blah blah.

A week later, it turns out the sting operation was a setup. Frankly speaking this doesn’t shock me. I mean it was bound to happen some day. The fact girls were dragged into prostitution didn’t surprise me either. I guess what I am trying to say is that these days we hear so many awful things happening around us all the time that nothing shocks me to my soul now.

Thank god the police have acted well this time and the real culprits have been caught. Uma is released on bail. She would probably be given her job back and soon everybody will forget about it.

But what about all the harassment and the punishment she faced before?? What about all the damage to those public properties??

Now those people who demonstrated before should come forth and apologize to her and pay for the damages. How easily they took law in their hands and reacted. They dint even give the police time to investigate. And what did that DTC bus had to do with the pros business.

Yeah yeah, the pros issue was serious and people got all sentimental. But haven’t we heard of hundred of cases where girls (of age 8-9) from west Bengal, bihar, Nepal, even Hyderabad are involved in this sleazy business.

The police dint react in a rash way when the violent protest were on, but they hit students with water canyons and lathis when they are peacefully protesting against the reservation. What a phoney society we are living in.

According to me, its high time prostitution should be legalized. Everyone knows where to get a pros in delhi. In any case nothing is hidden. Make it legal so that one can control the spread of this business.

Life's all twisted, Yet simple!! Part 2

2007-09-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

Metro is one of the most boring modes of transport, provided you don’t have a radio with you. I, thanks to the blessing of my parents have a mobile (some people don’t even call it one) in which this facility doesn’t exist.

Some 4 months back, I had to go to a place near pragati maidan for theatre rehearsals. Metro was my everyday connivance. The only way I could pass time in metro was to play snake on my phone. But then an idea struck me. I would search for guys or men who were listening to radio alone and ask for one of the ear pieces. Almost everybody obliged. I never talked to them. Only listened to the radio and when the station arrived, thanked them and boarded off. I asked gals too. All I got was ‘get away from me or I will scream’ look.

Now traveling in metro was easy and fun too. It had been a week since I was asking people for their ear piece, when suddenly I came across a guy with whom I had listened to radio earlier too. He smiled at me. We shook hands and this time around, started talking too.

His name was kamal and was a professor in some college. No matter how hard I try I still can’t remember the name of the college. Even though he was a professor he was a fun guy. At the same time, I was facing problem with a teacher in college. She taught us computer architecture and I could only understand the first 5 words she uttered out of her mouth. After that she was like a telgu television show for me and I couldn’t even change the channel.

According to me if a teacher cant teach, she doesn’t qualify for the respect of that of a teacher. I totally hated her and at times gave her a piece of my mind. She would often throw me out of the classes but it never bothered me. The reason I was carefree about this small fight of ours is because that teacher had no lab classes.

See in our college, if a teacher has only theory classes, she has only 5 marks out of 100 in her hands. But if it’s a lab teacher, she has the entire 100 marks in her kitty. So being rude was actually fun for me.

My parents never understood all this but this kamal guy did. Now we would often meet on the metro. He both had the habit of boarding the last coach. He was about around 50, but in him I found a friend and I knew he found a friend in me too. He would often tell me about the psyche of a professor. We together would laugh at the quality of teachers these days. And we would also discuss general stuff like the nuke deal etc etc.

As time passed I enjoyed his company more and more. I would actually want us to meet in the train. When something funny happened in college with the teachers involved in it, I would desperately wait for us to meet so that I could tell him and know his opinions about the same. But soon my theatre rehearsals were over and with it the metro ride to pragati maidan. Surprisingly, I missed him at times.

Well life moved on. My relationships with my teacher turned from bad to worse. Soon papers were around the corner. A week before the external practicals, one of the teacher fell severely ill and my computer architecture teacher took her place. This news was terrible for me. Firstly I cursed my college for appointing her as her subject had nothing to do with this subject. Secondly, thirdly, I kept cursing the college.

Finally I gathered strength and went to her with the excuse of getting my file checked. I was sure I would get to know her intentions. I hoped that as I had done well in the minors, she might be easy on me. But I was wrong. She said to me and I quote “angad singh, get ready to fail in this prac”. I was shocked to hear that. I mean I expected it but I dint expect her to say it directly on my face.

I told all my classmates about it. Some said nothing to me but has looks which said ‘you deserve it’. But they were some who supported me and were ready to accompany me to talk with the director about this situation. But I knew that I would be the one blamed, for my behavior and moreover, I had low attendance and my file was never checked on time in the lab.

I was very tense. Some part within me wanted to warn my parents about a possible back. But I always found a way out of troubles. Firstly I went into a phase in which I would analyze the situation; think about the possible ways out. The more I analyzed, the more I became certain that I had made a mistake..

Life was a mess. I went into a phase in which I would start cursing myself. Why couldn’t I keep my mouth shut in front of the teacher? My only hope was that the external examiner for the lab would be a relative of mine. The chances of that happening were equivalent to the chances of me becoming Mr. universe. And people who have seen me, know that its impossible.

Deep down I was still optimistic, as all us Indians are. I hoped that she would have mellowed down. Again I was wrong.

Well the practical exam day arrived. I was the only one who was checked for chits and all. But I was smart enough not to carry one. As expected I alone was given the toughest practical. Failing in this prac seemed certain.

External examiner was sitting inside a closed chamber and I hadn’t seen him/her. Frankly speaking I dint want to see that person for he/she was my only hope. Before I was called for the viva, some how I finished my practical (thanks to my best pal in the lab group, jaspreet). I prayed one last time when I entered the chamber.

As I opened the door, I saw a nokia 2300 on the table which had a little teddy key chain attached to it. I was excited to see that phone, as it was kamal’s. I forgot all about the mess I was in and was smiling. When suddenly I heard a female’s voice ‘what are you smiling at? Sit down’. I looked up and saw a female sitting on the other side of the table and kamal was nowhere.

I thought that maybe he went to the loo. I replied saying that I was waiting for the external teacher to come back. She smiled and said I am the teacher. I was lost for words. I gave another look at the mobile and it surely seemed like kamal’s and the lady dint look like a mobile thief. Well not knowing what to do. I sat down for the viva, she asked me questions that probably I wouldn’t have known if I had actually studied the subject all this semester.

Unimpressed from all my answers, she asked me to leave. I knew for sure that I would be here next year too. When I got up, I again looked at the phone. It was bothering me. Seeing me stare at her phone, she screamed ‘what is it? First you don’t know any answers, and then you stare at my phone as if you are going to steal it’.

I was amazed at her allegations. This finally gave me the courage to tell her that this phone seemed the same as one of my friends. I told her the name ‘kamal gupta’. She gave an expression as if she knew that guy and asked me how I knew him. I told him all about the radio thing. And guess what.

She was kamal’s wife, they had recently exchanged phones and kamal had told her everything about our meetings. He had also told her about my incidents with the teacher.

We talked for about half and hour. I told her honestly about the entire situation. I was surprised that when a man realizes that he could probably get out of a mess, how honestly and fast does he speak. She told me that the computer architecture teacher had told her that I was the dumbest kid of the class and deserved to be failed.

I came out of the chamber. All eyes were on me, it was as if the entire world had stopped.

I looked at jaspreet and smiled. He instantly realized that I had found a way out this time too. I met him after the examination and told him everything that had happened and pat came back his one word reply in his traditional style: ‘mast’.

I saw the mark sheet that was submitted to the university. Jaspreet and I topped the practical. Rest all who supported me also scored well, but the ones who thought that I ‘deserved’ it. Well all I can say is that ‘GOD BLESS THEM’.

Some wise guy said and I quote ‘impossible is a word in the dictionary of fools’ after all this I totally agree with him.

No. 2

2007-08-29T10:36:00.000-07:00

Congratulations people!!!!!!!!!!!!! India is at No.2. The question is in what?? Well the answer is on the front page of TOI dated 27 august. Now don’t go looking for the paper, I am going to talk about it in this post.

A recent survey showed that India is at no.2 when you consider countries for the most number of terrorist attacks and deaths due to these attacks. Iraq holds the No.1 position.
I don’t know how it makes you feel, but it makes me angry like hell, feel like punching every one of those bastards.

When the entire survey article began to sink in, I realized that India is not only faced by ‘jihad’s’ but also ULFA in northeast and naxalite in jharkhand etc. Even then, we call ourselves a force to reckon in this world, we say that India will be a developed country in 2020, analysist have said that India will be the third largest economy in the world by 2050, we say that we are the largest democracy in this world.

And when I look at the survey all these facts look crap. I often wonder what the government is doing about these terror attacks?? I am sure they have their RAW agents placed everywhere but don’t we as citizens of this land should have some knowledge about it. I mean all I see manmohan singh doing after a terror attack, is to come on national tv and say ‘india wont tolerate any terror strikes’ (and one cant hear him clearly) but we keep tolerating it.

The masterminds of the last few terror strikes are still absconding. And this is only about the jihad attacks. What about north east and naxalite?? The naxalites are based inside the country but I never hear any naxal being arrested. Hell, I don’t even know what they are fighting for. The same goes for ULFA. One would start blaming the government for all this mess but then one fact crossed my mind.

In the mid 80’s terrorist ran out of Punjab. And this wasn’t only because the government then was non-tolerant. It was also because along with the government people stood up against the attacks. Incidents of people refusing to do what terrorist wanted them to do were common. But now we hear no such incidents.

I love my country and it kills me to see my countrymen dying due to some crazy and sick minds. But alas, I guess all I can do is write about it.

PS: RAW is research and analysis wing. It’s the secret agency of India. I am writing this because in the past few months, I have come across a dozen so called educated Indians who dint know what RAW is.

Salman Khan

2007-08-25T10:42:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 10 in the morning. Switched on the tv and decided to watch national news. The headlines were Salman Khan is on his way to jail. I switched channels and started watching some stupid shows, when suddenly my phone rang.

The reminder alarm went off and I realized that I had to go to cp to meet my latest crush ( of 20 hours). I reached cp, proposed her, surprisingly she said yes. While coming back passed a comment on a girl in metro, she slapped me. Then the other 273 females in the train slapped me.

Ashamed and battered from all the slapping, I had to see a gal doing something else. Came back home and watched one on one lesbian porn. After 2 hours or so, the embarrassment of being called a ‘sadak chap romeo’ by 274 females and 143 males (rest were telling me tips as to how to pass comments on a gal) had vanished. I, again switched on the tv and watched national news, the headlines read Salman khan is in jail.

My first reaction (which I feel is due to being around gurleen) was gross. I think if I start critiquing the level of hindi news channel, it would probably take me around 1964 years to put forward all my points. So I am not going to do that right now.

My new girlfriend called me in the evening. All my friends had told me that the first phone call after a relationship begins is always the most awkward and the most beautiful one. But my first call was about Salman khan. Aaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Well I got to agree with my bandi, that a five year term seems a little too much. Moreover the judge could have used better creative ways to punish him. Like ask Salman to pay a hefty amount that will directly go for the protection of the endangered species. Also make him the brand ambassador against poaching and other things associated with it.

Nevertheless, now that he has been imprisoned, and he has decided to appeal at the high court, shouldn’t we all discuss more important topics? Like the nuke deal or maybe when will be the first time me and bandi will do it?

And yes, according to me the 6years term of sanju baba is absolutely justified and correct.

15th August

2007-08-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

Happy Independence Day or happy kite flying day??? That according to me is the million dollar question today..

I often wonder how people perceive independence day? When I was in my early teens, it meant a holiday, getting together with all my cousins and flying kites. As I grew older it became a reason for my parents to force me to study for 14 hours. Studying that long dint help me get far in life, and now that I am bored of flying kites, so what should a citizen like me, who matters to nobody (except his parents and nikita) should do?

Maybe the question I asked is wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t consider myself a nobody. But that is what the entire social and education system has made me believe.

I understand the significance of this day; have read about most of the freedom fighters and lower my head to respect their bravery and sacrifices. But instead of reciting again and again what they did, shouldn’t we take lessons and try to improve the system we live in currently??

We were ruled by the English for 200 years. They imposed many laws which were to benefit themselves. If we all could rise above nationality of oneself, we would realize that the Englishmen were simply human beings, who were trying to earn money for themselves from people they believed to be inferior in comparison to them. They were purely selfish men.

Today we are ruled by politicians who I believe are no different than those Englishmen in terms of their selfishness. Yes, I agree that the present time is better than the pre independence era in every way, but isn’t our money still being unfairly used?? Every few months we hear a scam being exposed and it’s our hard earned money in it.

The only difference is that now we are being screwed up by our own countrymen. I guess, even today we require people to stand against the system and fight for the rest. And such people will always be required. Its not like people are not standing up, they are. And all of us should support them in every way.

One question comes to my mind when I think about all this- from where to start??

So Independence Day for me is not about flying kites, its about learning and inspiring oneself to fight for what is yours.

Please after reading this don’t ask me, what is funny about funnistein??

Life's all twisted, Yet simple!!

2007-08-09T10:33:00.000-07:00

Few people know about this but I feel that the time has come for the world to know about it. All this happened six months ago. I had just entered my last year at engg college and we were supposed to do a project that carried maximum credits.

I was doing this project with my friend abishek sharma. We had been friends since the first semester and together had survived many hurdles. But this project for us was like climbing mt.everest for a guy without legs. We had to regularly report our progress. After one month or so we were lacking behind everybody. Everyday we were scolded by teachers. And we began to lose confidence in ourselves.

Before we could even realize, our first minors were on our heads and the project had reached nowhere. We were miserable. Both of us dint feel like studying and we dint even knew all of the subjects. We decided that we will screw these minors, work on the project, and then cover up for it in the next minors. And then I made a mistake. I read chetan bhagat’s five point someone. I made a plan to steal papers from our college but wasn’t serious about it at all.

But when I told about this brilliant plan of mine to abishek, he got all excited and persuaded me to go ahead with it. We decided we will do it one day before the papers. The plan was simple and we had accounted for all the risks. But deep down I knew (and felt that even abishek knew) that something can still go wrong.

It wasn’t that we were bad in studies. We both had managed a respectable average of 75 till the previous semester and had already been placed. So I thought that even if were caught, after looking at our good track record the college authorities might pardon us. But the high of doing something wild had got into our heads. All my life, I wanted to tell a story that involved me and would make everybody around me astonished.. I got want I wanted but not in the way I imagined it.

There is only one guard in the college at night who stands at the front gate. Nobody checks the back wall. Behind the back wall is a park, behind the park are dda flats. So it was decided that we will enter college by climbing the back wall, which wouldn’t be a problem as it was only 4 feet high. Before we left we both were nervous and scared. Abishek went to pee 26 times (and yes I counted it).We reached the park at 11 pm.

As expected there wasnt a soul in the park. So we ran towards the back wall. We looked around and saw nobody. Assured that we were safe we both prayed one last time and climbed the wall.

In one of the dda flats, facing the park, a lady, 35 odd year old was standing at her balcony. She was deep in her thoughts. She was wondering, why she doesn’t have any friends?? Why is her husband leaving her?? Why none of her students love her?? She was pondering over her thoughts when suddenly something caught her attention. She saw two kids running through the park in front of her house. They stopped at the back wall of the college and then suddenly jumped in. Suspecting that something is wrong she went inside and dialed 100.

Our college has two buildings- the lab block and the lecture block. The lab block is next to the back wall and the lecture block is some 20 yards from the lab block. The lecture block is the one with the canteen which is always buzzing with people and is fucking hot. Well we knew that papers were kept in the administrative cell which is at the basement of the lecture block.

So we walked towards the lecture block, making sure at each step that nobody was watching us. There is a window on the stairs between the ground and the first floor of the lecture block whose bolt was broken and so is always open. The window is placed in such a way that the gatekeeper could never see us nor hear any sounds from here. We climbed through it to get into the block. The fact we were thin helped us in it. Some people say that after looking at my figure. I can give size zero models a run for their money.

We simply walked towards the administrative cell. As expected it was locked. But we had the key. The cell in charge was Mrs. Roy. She was one of those teachers who were loathed by every student but she was the only teacher who understood both of us. She knew that even though we bunked classes and do all the 'masti' stuff but when it comes to papers we study and we study hard. We were few minutes away from letting her down.

We both felt comfortable talking to her and would often go to the cell to talk to her. We would sit and joke together, make fun of teachers etc etc. she would at times give us the keys to her cupboard and once she asked us to lock her cell for her. I happily did that. Even though she had like 500 keys in her key chain I remembered that one key. Not because I had a sharp memory but the key had numbers 710 on it. The same as my birthday.

2 days before our heist. We both went to talk to her in order to get the key. After 15 minutes or so she gave the key to abishek to get something for her. He took an impression of the key no. 710 on a soap (inspired from bollywood movies). This is how we had the key..

As the cell was near to the main gate. Any noise made from us could get us caught. We opened the door but dint switch on the lights,all with great caution and had torches with us. We went straight to the drawer where the papers where kept. Took one copy of each paper. When we were putting the last envelope inside, something caught abishek’s attention.

On the top of the envelop was written 180 copies. The total students were 180. So that meant there was one copy for each student and if we took one copy from each envelope, it might arouse suspicion. I have to say that abishek at times does smart things at the right time. We pondered over this problem for a few seconds when suddenly I saw some blank papers on maam’s table (probably used for printing). We decided to write down all the questions.

We divided the work. I was copying the last paper and abishek had already completed. (We both wrote so fast that neither one of us were reading what we were copying. If we accidentally lost the paper on which we were copying, we probably could not have recalled a word of what we were writing). He was always fast when it came to copying, when suddenly we heard a car stop abruptly on the main gate.

Some people stepped outside and shouted at the watchmen. Just listening to them we could say they were policemen. We both looked at each other and with some superficial force of understanding started putting the envelopes back and remove traces of us being in the room. We locked the door and rushed towards the window on the stairs. Just when we were about to jump through, I heard some people running towards the window.. Going towards the main gate would be suicidal. Only one option was left.

We went to the first floor. At first I thought every room was locked and started cursing the peon. After all what was the need of locking every class room? When suddenly abishek saw a room that had no locks. We went inside that room and moved towards the window to see what was happening beneath. The policeman was telling the watchman how a lady (pointing at her) saw us jumping the wall from her balcony. For the first time I saw that woman. Felt like killing her and i know abishek felt the same.

The policemen suspected us to get in through the window and the watchman was telling him that how he always complained to the teachers about this broken bolt but nobody listened. The watchman suddenly realized that we might have broken in to steal the papers. The policemen spread to search us and the watchman went to call the director. All of them were dumb enough to leave the place vacant. Now there was only one chance to save our ass.

We jumped from the first floor window. Luckily there weren’t any broken bones. Before I could tell abishek to walk with caution through the gap between the two building, he started running like a thirsty man in a desert who has caught site of a well. I guessed he finally had to do some thing stupid. I had no other option but to run after him.

We reached the back wall without any problems. It was like god had thrown a invisibility cloak on us. He was about to jump the wall when a seductive female voice came from behind and said “stop or I will shout”. We both stopped, it was the same lady who called the police. Without her asking anything, abishek started explaining our actions. She looked at him and then into my eyes. She might have seen innocence and I don’t know what else as she reacted in a way that was least expected.

She asked for the papers. We quickly gave it to her; she tore them and asked us to leave. Before we ran for our lives she pointed at her balcony. Seemed strange but we were happy that she was letting us go. The papers went about as schedule. Nobody suspected any paper leak. We both forgot the project and studied hard. The papers went fine.

The next day we decided to give a visit to that lady, to thank her. She was surprised and at first dint recognizes us. I thought, probably we looked different in daylight. Her name is Tanya singh. Anyways we got to know that the policemen decided to lodge a case against her as she had given wrong information. We felt embarrassed. After seeing our faces drop, she told us that she paid some bribe and got away with it. I decided that we will pay her the money back and made a mental note of it.

She told us that the fact she was a loner made the case against her stronger. The policemen told her that they would write in the FIR that she is imaging things and would sent her to an asylum. So she was a loner. Now I realized why she showed me the balcony, expecting us to give her a visit. Then out of nowhere, abishek in his typical style told her to cheer up and asked if she dint mind we would like to take her out for a movie and lunch.

I also joined in persuading her and she finally succumbed.. we had a rocking time with her. It was hard to imagine that she had no friends and no family. Later on we came to know that as she was a teacher, she decided to give us a second chance because when she looked at us that night, something inside her thought that we deserved it. And it was damn right!!!!!!!!!

Well both me and abishek gained confidence in ourselves and did great in our project. The examiner said it was the best project he had seen in his 15 years of teaching experience. And Tanya found two friends. The policemen made money. The only person to lose out was the watchman who till date hasn’t been able to get the window repaired.

HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY!!!

2007-08-05T10:04:00.000-07:00

I received messages after messages having these three words in it. Came online and there were scraps after scraps having these three words. It made me wonder, does friendship need a day or a week??? I find it to be one of the dumbest creations of a human mind but it is profitable nonetheless.

People tell me that friendship day is for telling all your friends, their importance in your life. I feel like slapping these people. I mean if u want to tell someday that you cherish his/her friendship, do that by giving a card on that person’s birthday. But no, all of us have to do it by sending forward messages and scraps and expect people to reply back. Like yeah, forwarded messages tell me that you really care for me.

I still remember, in school everybody would bring friendship bands and tie it on each other wrists, a tradition made popular by ‘kuch kuch hota hai’. And today I don’t even know where all of them are?? Whether they are alive or not?? is anyone running a sex racket?? So what is the use of all this???

We all know it’s a marketing gimmick but we keep falling for it year after year after year, and as a result the telecom people and archie’s people are becoming richer and richer.

Another day like friendship day is the valentine day. In case of it I can still figure out why human mind created this day. Firstly I am sure it was done by a guy because by creating all this hype, a guy knows that no matter what happens, on valentine day he’s gonna have sex with her gal. As they say u gotta do ‘it’ on the ‘v’ day.

A ride in metro

2007-07-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

One fine day I was traveling in metro. It was the first ride of the morning. I had a examination next day and somebody told me that the paper is leaked and is being sold outside the university campus. It was a good enough reason to get up this early in the morning. But nevertheless I was carrying my book along with me, just in case the paper leak thing was a hoax.

I thought I would be the only passenger on the train but when I boarded the train from janakpuri, to my surprise there were two old men sitting in the train. Seeing me those guys started nagging about my dressing sense and how ‘youth of today’ is getting influenced by western clothes.. it felt like home away from home. But as expected I dint like the feeling of it and moved into the next coach. In this coach a 40 odd old lady was there and I sat opposite to her.

We four were the only people on the train. Few stations later a pregnant lady got on the train and sat next to the 40 odd lady and both of them started talking. The pregnant lady told her that she is 8 months pregnant and I tried my level best not to listen to their talks and concentrate on my subject.

After 2 minutes or so, metro suddenly stopped between 2 stations and the driver announced that due to some technical faults there will be some delay in the journey. Hearing this one of the old man said “ I knew this metro thing wont work for long. And sooner or later problems will arise.” The other guy simply nodded. The first guy continued “ I am sure they are out of petrol”.

I wanted to get up and clarify his misconception but to my relief the other guy said “ I thought they ran on electricity”. The first guy had a small smile on his face and he said “ I knew you would say this. Tell me one thing, if the government had enough electricity to run metro all day long, we wouldn’t have electricity cuts at our homes. Its all some media hype. I know it is.” I laughed at his reasoning but then the pregnant lady suddenly shouted.

The other lady got up and said “ oh no. it seems like you are in labor.” This was the last thing I wanted to hear that day or for that matter the last thing anybody would want to hear while he/she is on a metro ride. But as she was 8 months pregnant she must been in premature labor. Realizing this, the 40 odd old lady fainted. It was turning out to be my worst metro ride ever.

The two old men came into my coach and I looked at them for help. Both of them said that even though they are grand parents now, they don’t know a thing about child birth. Suddenly one of them says “hey you are a science student (pointing at my book), so you must be knowing stuff about child birth”. I was lost for words. There in front of me stood two guys who together must have witnessed at least 10 child births and I am supposed to know about it by reading a physics book.

Somehow I controlled my anger and told them I am a engineering student not a medical one. And out of nowhere one of them said to the other “I bet he isn’t smart enough to be a doctor”. For the second time today it felt like home in metro. I decided not to get into an argument with them. And suddenly I realized that each coach has a intercom in order to talk to the driver. I called the driver and both the guys came in.( all metro traveling people would know that there are two guys in front driving the train)

Seeing both the guys come in, the first old guy said “why do you need two guys to drive this stupid train”. The other one replied “probably hes a conductor”. On hearing this the first guy got angry and said “ what is the need for a conductor in metro. It is all a big scam. I can bet this conductor guy is some big MP’s nephew”. The pregnant lady shouted again and the rest of us ignored the talks of the old guys. I explained the metro people the entire situation. And instead of calming the atmosphere, they created more panic. One of them took out a manual and said “we have not been taught what to do in situations like these.” I felt like this was the worst day of my life and something inside me told me that this was just the beginning.

I finally lost my anger and shouted at them “ you stupid fools, take out your walky talkie or whatever and tell the next station to bring help or clear the technical fault”. Everybody was taken aback but they did as I told them to and a doctor came within 15 minutes.. I couldn’t believe it because if the women would have been at her home, the ambulance wouldn’t reach her place for at least 45 minutes. But then that is the unique thing about this city.

The unconscious lady was taken out first followed by the two old guys. As the technical fault was a major one, the doctors decided to carry out the birth inside the metro. I was leaving when the pregnant lady stopped me and asked me to hold her hand and help her through this. I was shocked on hearing this but then she explained saying that I seem like a nice guy. I blushed for a second but instead of thanking her, i ended up saying in a low tone “wait until you meet harleen and timsy”.

After one hour of shouting, screaming and a hell lot of other things, the baby ( it was a boy) came out. I can say that until the baby came out I saw a lot of things that made me realize why the two old guys never saw a child birth. But when I saw the baby I realized all that ugly sightseeing was worth it.

J K Rowling calls Harry Potter the ‘choosen one’ or ‘the boy who lived’. I decided to call this boy “ the boy who was born between metro station ramesh nagar and moti nagar” or to be precise “ the boy who was born on pillar no. 654”.

The next day the newspaper headlines read “ longest delay in metro due to technical faults”. Nobody other than the ones on that particular metro that day knew about the actual reason for such a long delay. And thank god the media people dint know about it, otherwise they would carry a entire day news on it and I would end up giving 60 crore interviews repeating the same things again and again.

The paper leak thing was a rumor but even after all this I managed to pass my paper. Some happy ending like the Harry potter series. And the pregnant lady and her husband were also a big fan of these series, so they decided to name me the godfather of the kid.

In the end, it was one of the best day of my life.

Ronaldo-Bipasha Affair

2007-07-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

This was the breaking news for 10 hours on every news channel… full one hour shows were dedicated to this piece of crap… things like these make me certain that getting to watch ‘actual’ news on these channels is like viewing the Haley’s comet.. happens only once in 76 years.

I hope every reader has seen the photograph that created this fiasco.. it was taken when they were out clubbing.. They weren’t exactly lip locking and there could be a million other reasons why they were so close.. But then I guess these news people never went to a club to realize it..

Moreover do we really care who bipasha is kissing?? Whether its john or ronaldo?? The only important thing is that she keeps doing roles like ‘jism’ or scenes where she has to wear a bikini.

And under the new pay channel scheme, the government should put news channel under the free channel category because otherwise it wont take long for people to figure out that they are wasting money paying for these channels..

One more thing.. all this happened at the new7wonders show.. millions of Indians sent sms's to include Taj Mahal in one of the wonders.. and we succeeded… but this didn’t do anything for the Taj.. it instead made the organizers of the new7wonders filthy rich.. Bravo my fellow country men..

Alisha Chinai

2007-07-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

Alisha chinai recently came out with her latest song- ‘shut up and kiss me’. If u haven’t seen the video of this song.. you got to see it.. I laughed so much that I felt I saw thousand episodes of laughter challenge back to back..

40 odd old alisha who apparently seems to be only 4 feet in the video sings this song to a 25 odd old model who is like 6 ft.. and she is asking the guy to stop saying all the moon star romantic stuff and just kiss her. The first thing I want to say to alisha is that this is what we guys want. Who wants to say all that clichéd romantic stuff?? We say all that in order to have the exclusive right to kiss girls. I strongly believe that if in real life alisha would have asked that model to kiss her, he would have refused.

This song would still have made a little sense if either beyonce or shakira sang it. I cant really think of any wild Indian female pop singer who could pull off this song. My safest bet would be Rakhi Sawant only but she would have sung it something like this-‘ shut up and kiss my cheek, because I am a Indian nari cum geek’.

Hey I just rhymed the last two lines which made no sense.. I could probably be a rapper??

Girl's restroom

2007-07-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

It sounds like a very weird heading for a article but just carry on reading it. When I was a kid ( 4 maybe 5), I used to wonder a lot about what’s behind the girl’s washroom door. See at my school the boy’s restroom was next to the girl’s one and whenever I had to go to the restroom I passed by the girl’s one. And as we all know the door to the girl’s restroom is always closed.

The fact that the door is always closed aroused further interest in the world behind that door. I always saw girls coming out of the loo all smiling and happy. I thought they probably have a videogame parlor behind it ( at that age videos games seemed like the only thing that was fun)

As I grew older I started to spend more time imaging what is behind that door.. but now my imagination got a bit erotic too. I pictured girls dancing in bikini’s around a fountain and seducing guys to come in. I started to believe that if heaven existed it was behind those doors.. the mystery started to take its toll on me.. I kept having dreams about the door and started to do bad in exams.. my family members started to believe that I was the ‘stupid’ one in the family.

Then as time passed I got to know a hell lot of other things. Among them was the mystery behind the door. It was painful to know that all the things I had imagined never existed. There is a famous saying that goes like ‘khoda pahad nikla chua’ and in my case the mouse was dead too.

Even though there isn’t much difference between the boy’s and the girl’s restroom but I still believe that heaven exist behind those close doors.. :)

Swimming story

2007-06-27T10:29:00.000-07:00

This one sided love story ( in which I am the one side) took place at a swimming pool. This year I had decided before hand that I will learn swimming in the summer break so that I am able to fulfill my childhood dream of performing underwater sex.

When the swimming lessons started it was really very difficult for me to swim.. relatives of all the fellow wanna be swimmers were staring at you.. I don’t know about others but I cannot perform any activity when people are staring at me and I am covered with only six inches of cloth. I also felt like that they were looking at me and wondering whether human beings can exist in such a weird form.. this is how I wasted my first week

I started looking for reasons to miss my swimming lessons but as always we optimistic Indians believe that things will improve and keep doing things that we hate to do.. but this time my patience paid off. A really good looking girl came into my class and she already knew a bit of swimming.. i could now also get a girl for my underwater fantasy.. now I forgot about the relatives and concentrated only on this girl.. I wanted to catch her attention and show her what a good swimmer I am.

Then on the third day I managed to have an eye contact. Clouds came over the sky and slight cold winds started blowing. And when these winds touched me they gave me a tickling feeling.. a second later a realized that a notorious kid from the group had gone underwater and was indeed tickling me.. I could not lose this opportunity.. I pushed aside the kid and started swimming.. I couldn’t even complete one breadth and when I looked up I could see the disappointed in her eyes, she went the other side..

I was shattered but still determined that I can win over this girl.. all I did for the next two weeks was to concentrate on my swimming.. I practiced hard during the class and watched videos of ian Philip ( won many Olympic gold medal).. I stopped watching all sitcoms and searched for channels showing swimming.. all I saw in my dream was me swimming.. refused to watch porn.. porn shop places around my house showed a major decline in profit. Bunked my training classes in college.. failed in 3 tests.. but the day finally came when I had perfected the art of swimming..

But it was the last day of my class and I had completely forgotten about it.. now it was do or die for me.. but she was nowhere on the swimming pool.. I felt all this hard work was for nothing when suddenly she appeared from the changing room.. I wore my goggles and looked again in her direction to catch her attention.. I saw her looking towards me and smiling.. Probably she had seen me working hard for the past two weeks and was happy to see that.. I finally could see my childhood dream coming true.. then suddenly I saw a third hand behind her.. as she came closer a realized that she was laughing at some joke from the same notorious kid..

In the next hour both of them stayed together.. all I could do was look at them and feel pity for myself.. then out of nowhere this refreshing voice came from background and it took me some time to realize that it was talking to me.. it sounded like a voice coming out a hot girl.. it had the seductive feel to it.. and the hot girl was saying that she loved my swimming and would love to learn it from me.. my dream could still come true.. I turned around to say yes but to my surprise it was a guy who had a girl voice. Life sucks.. during these swimming lessons I managed to learn swimming and make a friend who had a girl’s voice, failed in 3 tests and learned the fact that I can live without watching porn.

Some rocking summer holiday I had.

Farmers

2007-06-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

The latest farmer’s of our country are Aamir Khan and Amitabh Bachchan… when I came across this fact I was like lol multiplied by infinity.. both of them say that their fathers and forefathers were farmers.. well my father is a doctor(orthopedics)… so next time you guys have any pain in your bones.. I will be more than happy to perform an operation on you guys..

With Aamir khan its still understandable.. I mean this guy takes so long to come out with a movie. Who knows he might be sowing fields all this time and we believe that he was working on the movie.. and after seeing his mangal pandey I completely believe that all he did for four years was take care of his field..

But Amitji.. Your family is like a 300 cr family and still you have the guts to say that you are a farmer... all the farmers from my native place are traveling around with swollen chest saying that they are equal to amitabh bachchan…. If u want some controversy then get involved in the drugs racket or casting coach but please leave the poor farmers alone.. Don’t take away their land from them..
By the way what is your family planning to do with the land??? perform ‘kajra re’ again and again on the piece of land. Please concentrate on your movies and let the farmers concentrate on providing us quality food..

Gujjar

2007-06-17T02:54:00.000-07:00

Everybody must be aware of the recent gujjar protest that happened at Rajasthan and Haryana.. the reason behind these protests amuses me.. while reading this it might make some people belonging to that community angry but I couldn’t care less..( as I know its only nikita who reads my blog)

I will first brief those people who do not have an idea as to why these protest were taking place but before I do that.. people start reading newspaper or at least watch all the news channels once in a day.. now moving onto the reason.. gujjar community is included in the OBC category but lately JATS have also been included in the OBC category and the gujjar people feel that the JATS are better off then them and will take away their jobs and so the gujjar community wants to be included in the ST community..

After realizing what the reason is I was like what the f**k.. these guys are actually asking to be downgraded in the caste system.. this is where our reservation system is taking us.. instead of making lower caste feel equivalent to the upper caste its actually making the upper caste beg to be considered as a lower caste.. and I mean till how long will people keep living in this caste system.. has it helped anybody in any way??? I believe it only gives a person a false sense of pride that he/she belongs to a upper caste whereas actually that person might be a complete failure in life…

If today we had no reservation systems I can bet these communities would actually want to be in the upper caste category.. the last caste census took place way back in 1931.. probably at that point the people who were financially weak belonged to a single caste but now days people from one caste are in different economic zones.. Reservation on the basis of caste are no longer relevant.. but who would listen to a guy who has a blog named FUNNISTEIN….

Adnan sami

2007-06-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

Adnan sami is back and he has got into shape. When his first video came out I was shocked… I actually believed in the beginning that he is NOT a human being… I thought the creative guys had made some kind of a fat robot just to amuse the viewers… but soon I realized that he is for real… it was then that I listened to the entire song and frankly speaking he is one helluva of a singer.. there is no denying that..

He was like a hit machine.. he just kept coming back with more hit songs.. and then he suddenly disappeared but the laughter challenge contestants made sure that we don’t forget him..

But now hes back with his album and he has completely transformed.. I read in the newspaper that he lost 104 kgs.. I was like how much did u weigh earlier dude.. 500 kgs??? It sure seems like he has lost weight but he still seems like a 100 kg guy… and yes he hasn’t lost all that weight by joining some slimming centre,.. I actually believe that you don’t lose weight at these slimming center.. its your purse which weighs lighter after going in one of these centres.. he can also now model for the BIGGEST LOSSER show that comes on sahara..

Earlier in all his videos he lost the girl.. and that made sense too.. I mean man you were so fat that the girls couldn’t get their hands around your waist or for that matter anything else. but finally after losing weight he gets the girl in his latest video – ‘barish’… some fairly tale story it is.. I guess after making himesh’s love story prashant chadha could make adnan’s weight story..

Dreamz

2007-05-15T11:30:00.000-07:00

Dreams are one thing that has fascinated me right from my childhood. I belong to that group of people who believe that dreams actually mean something. I know for sure that I have a crush on a girl if I have seen her atleast 10 times in my dreams..

miss jiah khan has appeared in my dreams for some 100 times.. I am in deep love with her.. I have decided to get married with her poster.. the same way we saw some old women in MP on every news channel getting married to Wasim Akram. Some inspiration these news channels provide these days.

Well one of these days I had a very weird dream… I was carrying some flowers in my hand.. on my way to propose jiah khan.. when I suddenly saw people running towards me and scared from something on my left.. I turned and had that bakwaas sa Indian horror music playing in my background. What I saw completely shocked me.. Godzilla was right there standing in front of me ( it could have been any other monster but that’s the effect of Hollywood on children)..

A second later I realized that it had its back towards me and I relaxed a bit and started moving ahead again.. then I saw it had its eyes closed.. now I was completely at peace.. I stooped one guy and said see theres nothing to worry.. that monster is sleeping.. but that guy pointed at something and I realized that he wasn’t sleeping but actually getting ready to pee ( that is how I realized that it was a he and not a she )…

Gallons of smelly water came out of his body.. people from kerala started shouting “tsunami tsunami” …I looked up in the sky and wondered- where is superman when you really need him???... but then I realized its my dream and I can do anything I want to do.. so I decided to act like neo from matrix and put my palm forward and the water went above me but not even a drop touched me.

I suddenly woke up and realized that I had urinated in my bed.. but then I actually woke up and realized all this was a dream.. Godzilla, neo and that I had urinated was all a dream.

I wonder what this dream wanted to tell me.. probably that there is no real superman… but it did made me think.. what would be the sanitation situation of Godzilla and king kong if they were for real???

Exams

2007-05-14T11:57:00.001-07:00

Exams- the one word that terrifies every student and the same word which acts as a paradise for every teacher.. the month of examination is the only month in the year where the teacher actually ‘controls’ the classroom… every word of the teacher is heard and every advice is appreciated.

Every student is buttering the teacher and trying to show how much he/she loves the teacher’s subject.. how much they have been working hard to improve themselves.. the fact they have stopped going to cinema halls and decided to watch movies only on tv shows how seriously they are taking the subject.

There are certain things that no matter how much you try happen with every student during the examination period. Firstly while you are preparing, though you keep saying to others that you are going to fail and that you haven’t read anything but the truth is that deep inside you are dreaming about topping the paper… you are picturing yourself giving a speech in a conference hall where people have gathered to listen to your heroics- how a average student defied all odds (tv and tv and tv) to top a university examination. But it never happens..

Secondly you get to know half of the course ( with nikita- its 95% of the course) when you are actually giving a exam. If you are a girl ( as good looking as nikita) its much easier to cheat and get away with it.. with a face as good as mine u move your neck and are thrown out.

Thirdly I have noticed that just before the first exam every student is more concerned with the seating arrangements then the questions that are going to be asked… where am I going to be seated??.. whether it’s the first seat or the last or the middle??.. in which row??.. wall wali row or window wali?? I feel like saying to all my friends that people you are here to sit for a paper and not a group photograph where your seating is so important.

When the exams are over the teachers are just any other person we met in the college corridor. Nobody listens to him/her. And when the results are out and you are one of the students who passed ( I till date have belonged to this category) you feel proud of yourself. By studying so less one feels like that they have made a fool out of the education system but in reality it’s the opposite.

Look where our education system is going. Students of 7th standard carry bags of 10-15 kgs and college going students carry around their backs 35 gms (the weight of a RS.10 moonlight register).. once somebody asked me what do you think about the heavy bags these students are carrying.. I said that the education system is either helping the sports ministry by making future weightlifters or is helping spine doctors by giving them future patients.

Atif

2007-05-04T10:53:00.000-07:00

The new singing sensation – Atif has finally arrived on funnistein. This guy has a unique voice, seems fit for all the romantic songs..

When his first song “tere bin” came out.. I liked this guy.. the song was beautiful and was sung in such a romantic way that it almost gave the lyrics a new dimension… but the song started creating troubles for me.. gals just loved him.. they would go on and on about his style and singing… once I was proposing a gal and this song comes on the radio and the girl yelled ‘shut up’ at me…. Life was a mess..

Then his second song came out “Doorie”… all I heared in this song was ‘doorie-sahi jaye na’… there weren’t any other lyrics in the song.. but he still sang it good.. all the girls now started having dreams about him… every girl around me wanted to lose their virginity to him…

I had to do something.. I could not let him steal all the girls( there was just 1 actually) from me.. so I called in all of my personal advisors- raju srivastav, sunil pal and bhagwant mann… while the four of us were thinking deeply about solutions to resolve such a major crisis his next song came out and it was bad (actually the word bad seems good for it)..

The music was bad, the lyrics were bad and the voices dint fit into the music.. it was titled “ something something galli ja rahe hain”… he was sounding like a frog.. but the situation improved for me.. once again I could propose and girls would talk about anything except for atif…

But the good days lasted only for a while… the song that has currently ruined by life is “ kuch is tarah”.. I have to say the song is good… but now the girls have gone nuts over him.. again girls want to lose their virginity to him.. the girls who have already lost their virginity want to regain it and lose it to him… I have again called all of my personal advisors.. lets see what we can do..

But all this made me think that girls have singers like atif to go crazy about… who do we guys have(talking only about Indian female singers)????... I guess currently we have to do satisfy ourselves with rakhi sawant… she is mentioned in 3 consecutive posts… that tells how desperately I need her for my blog.. :)

Gere-Shetty

2007-05-03T03:51:00.000-07:00

Poor o poor Richard gere, he enacted a scene from his movie ‘shall we dance’ on an aids awareness show and ended up getting a arrest warrant for himself… as they say things like these happen only in India…

The female lead for this drama is non another than our big brother queen Shilpa Shetty… though initially she was reluctant to be kissed by gere ( very much evident from the video) she has repeatedly said that she is fine with it… then what is the problem of the moral police…

But after this incident Shilpa will get exactly two more projects in bollywood where she will depict the sexually abused and harassed women of India and the women who are actually sexually exploited will keep being sexually abused as they are a NOBODY..

This all happened on an aids awareness show and at the end of it the audience did get to know something about aids… it is that it is not transmitted through kissing.. and the best thing is that they got a practical demonstration of it… so they have called the show a huge success.. the audience now look forward to a show where they will demonstrate how aids is transferred sexually…

Now more about the ‘kiss’ thing…I don’t even like to call it a kiss… it was just a friendly cheek peck that is so common in the so called upper class… a trillion other guys would have done it with shilpa.. so I guess a arrest warrant for all those too… but the moral police has declared it to be a kiss so it is a kiss…

There are a zillion other crimes going on in India against women but the one that attracts their attention is the one where the victim (or whatever) is completely normal about the ‘crime’…. Instead of carrying out protest and taking out an arrest warrant, these moral policeman should go home and kiss their wives ( for a change)…

My sources (Johnny English again) has informed me that this might be a stint by Gere to increase the sale of dvd’s of his movie ‘shall we dance’ in India… I guess this was the last time we saw Gere in India…

The best part of all this was the comment from rakhi sawant…. She said “ bhartiye naari ko yeh sab shoma nahi deta”… it is like Hitler commenting “ I want peace in this world”….

Rakhi Sawant

2007-04-29T10:24:00.000-07:00

After reading my opinions about various things, many people ( actually it was just Mika and the Meet brothers) urged me to express my thoughts about Rakhi Sawant.

Without any doubt… this girl has lots of guts… she is just too frank and outspoken… seeing her I feel diplomacy is very important… though she has achieved success (really?) I personally feel that this self proclaimed super girl should do the followings…

Firstly, she should try to speak in a language which people apart from UPians and Biharis can understand..

Secondly she should stop saying in her interviews that she likes wearing short clothes and loves dancing… we already know that by seeing you in a trillion music videos…

And thirdly Rakhi ji ( I cannot understand why I feel like giving her the ‘ji’ respect) , it is wrong of you to say that you represent the modern women of India… indeed you represent the modern ‘desperate’ women of not only India but the entire universe..

world cup

2007-04-28T09:57:00.000-07:00

Months before the world cup started companies like Pepsi aired advertisements claiming that India will win the cup.. all we need to do is sit back and enjoy the match with a Pepsi or buy their wrist bands… now that we are out of the cup ( when were we in the cup???) companies have come up with a new message in their advertisements…

Pepsi says let your teenage kid drink Pepsi gold and the cup will be ours in 2011… surf excel says that if we want to bring the cup back home (after Pepsi gold has won it for us in 2011) we need to use their product..

What about 2019???? by using which product will we win the cup then???? I say the HUGGIES people should use this concept in their next advertisement…. They could show babies playing with their plastic bats and balls without any worries as they are using huggies ..

Now for 2023… its very tough to say which brand should aim for that year.. I guess the only brand that is eligible is kamasutra condoms… plan your kids in such a way that he does it for India in 2023…

Anybody seeing my advertising skills??? Hello?? Prasoon Joshi??? You there??

Abhi-ash

2007-04-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

abishek and aishwarya finally got married... thank god they did.... i was sick nd tired of all the news related to it... it was the only thing tht came on all national news channels for 2 complete days... it felt lik all the 'dacoits' and terriorist went to strikes.. world leaders took a break and went for a holiday... no G7 or G8 meeting took place.. no missile testing...all u had were music videos from bunty n babli and guru.... breaking news became... ' abhi abhi abmitabh ke ghar jalsa ke samne do cars aayein hain.. unke kale windows hai..isliye humein nahi pata ki un cars mein kaun tha'.. and 5 mins later the news was.... ' ab wo do cars chali gayi hai.. humein abhi bhi nahi pata ki un cars mein kaun tha.'.....i hope their divorce doesnt get as much attention as their marriage did... SICK KAR DIYA RE...

Himesh Reshammiya

2007-04-24T09:52:00.000-07:00

one of the many things that make me sick about himesh beside his singing is HIS CAP... y is he always wearing the cap...even in his movy he has the cap on all the time.... this made me wonder what is behind his cap.

So i let out all of my detective's ( James bond was busy so i had to call the next best option... Johnny english) and this is what they came up with.... himesh's cap has a internal lining of titanium.

If anybudy doesnt know what titanium is.. it is one of the littlest and hardest metal in the world.

Now the next question is what is the need for such a cap..the reason is that when people get sick and tired of his 'nasal' and 'rock star' type singing then they take off their shoes and throw it at him. o with the internal lining of titanium hes well protected.... finally the secret has been revealed....

jhanavi's act

2007-04-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

did anybudy see jhanavi's act on the news recently..the gal who claimed tht she was married to abhishek bachchan and is going to commit suicide outside their home 'jalsa'.... just after seeing this i decided to pack my bags nd do the same thing but for aishwarya..

i was about to leave wen i saw the news flashes again tht she nw claimes tht he promised her tht he will marry her( yeah yeah we know), she has 3 fathers nd a son too... etc etc etc

wat all ppl do fr publicity????????... nd also i hav seen the dus song atleast a zillion times nd nt on music channels but on news channel....

breaking news..

2007-04-22T23:36:00.001-07:00

after seeing the last 3 cricket world cups and all the matches between those world cups.... i genuinely feel that the australian cricket board should ask ICC to let the australians play only in the finals of the world cup and not waste their time by playing all the round robin,super 8 and the semifinals... i never see their use of playing all the matches..
but there can be a better solution. what if the ICC made a rule that if the australians kill the excitement of the match in the first 25 overs or so they lose... i bet this way india will always win from australia...

use of sidhu's laughter

2007-04-22T23:24:00.000-07:00

everybudy must hav witnessed the laugh of our very own sidhu paaji... its unique(in a irritating way) and thus according to me should be used for diff purposes.

for eg... the nokia people should use it in their handsets as the ringtone when the alarm goes off. whenever the alarm rings everybody in this world is bound to wake up in fraction of a second( that is the power of paji's irritating laugh) and nobody is going to be late...
Mission accomplished.

whz really begadofying the kids?????????

2007-04-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

hello everybudy...
the first post is bout whz really begadofying the kids.... it means who really is teaching the kids all the so called 'adult' stuff..... people hav diff theories but as far as i am concerned i feel its the 'k' serials that come on the idiot box..... many will b surprised actually shocked after reading this but i hav some arguments to prove it...
okay now just remember all those indian serials u hav watched so far... everybudy in india starts with indian serials so u hav watched them at some point or the other and while watching those episodes who had lines like ' tu shaadi se pehle pregnant hogayi..tune toh khandan ka naam meethi mein mila diya'..... this makes you think ki yeh kaise ho gaya nd thn next day u go to ur seniors and ask thm about all this stuff and thn there is never luking back... and there is one more line wen the gal is married to one guy nd she gets pregnant by sum other guy.... ' yeh bacha rishab ka nahi anurag ka hai'.... this line really got me thinking....
any comments????